I Believe in Love

It's been way too long, but now that it's winter break, I have time to blog and think for a second.

Lot's of things have happened recently:

1. I got cast at Sheila in Hair at Chadwick, which was a big deal! :) I'm so excited!

2. I watched Dead Man Walking in English Lit AP, and it's been haunting my thoughts and dreams.

3. I confronted a close friend, which was weird considering I'm not confrontational.

4. I'm starting to grow extremely sick of the antics of one of my friends.

5. I still haven't heard back from my Early Action school. It's not binding, but I just want to know if I'm in college yet or not!

6. I danced intensively for the first time since mono. My spleen is still enlarged, so I can't work out as hard as I want, but to get moving again has been really nice. Taking such a long break made me realize how important dance is to me.

7. I broke the B+ barrier on my Art History test! :)

8. Little Shop of Horrors might actually happen as a senior project, which I'm freaking out about.

Life is crazy. I have three more applications (five if I don't get into my EA) to complete before Christmas (well... Jan. 1, but I do NOT want apps for xmas). It's nice to be on break, though. I have a week of fun ahead of me:

Friday: Party at Austen's. It was a blast. I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life.

Saturday: Seeing my bff Tess as Clara in The Nutcracker

Sunday: Last driving lesson and SEN10R party at Kevin Johnson's house

Monday: Lady GaGa Concert!

Tuesday: Protest fighting Uganda's "Anti-Homosexuality" Bill and possibly singing in a church choir with Mark

Wednesday: something I'm forgetting at the moment...

Thursday: CHRISTMAS EVE!

Friday: CHRISTMAS!

Thank God for this much, much-needed break.

Artsy Time

I wrote this over a year ago in my English Language AP Course... It was apparently the most personal thing I've ever written, but the symbolism makes NO sense to me now... help me out?

The windowsill is a pane of curiosity, while r a t t l i n g vents spout fabricated, woolly soothers, which brush my tender shins.
F
A
L
L
I
N
G off of six rubber disks. Peroxide slices through my vessels while mending.

Shaking hard and creating globular bubbles of matching bliss as the anxious densities wrestle their fate. A Union at last, it floods the stuff that’s “good for me” and is set back to dissipate again into masses of a divergent populace.

Stoplights shatter across cemented earth while slopping red discouragement into gutters.

Looking up, I have known, is my expected or worthy statement of conviction, something I did not register until I was strained at all posts.

Sideways beneath the sheets is where I become what I am.

The face of an Angel here is something representing hope for my selfless wish.

While Naysayers preached to me of my morality of Unpolluted solitude, I substantially failed at their flighty conduct, without a doubt in my mind.

Focusing on vocation with Gels and magnifying ice cream cones of metal, dreams of never letting go and chords rubbing into something useful. I lap up every falling chocolate chip and watch tears stream as the Apple reflects me in its sequined shine. Limberly sprawling through the memories and knowing that what is ahead is not what it Should be.

Ahhhh, Day 5

It's official everyone! The doctor gave me the wonderful news last night that after a "double round" of bloodwork, I have mono. HOORAY!

This doesn't mean I'm a leper, but it does mean that my tongue is toxic. All I have to do is be careful I don't over-do it.

Re-cap of today: I woke up in a pile of pillows and walked around straightening my room. I then proceeded to open my book: I was on page 80/280... and I have a test on Monday. With a sigh, I started reading. The tiny font of death made it literally take an hour to get through a whopping 25 pages. Ridiculous? I think yes. But, I eventually realized that maybe annotating was holding me back... it was. I forced my self to separate from the clicks of the ballpoint pen, and suddenly I was BREEZING through the story.

And I sit here a champion. Today, I read 200 pages of a book, watched TV, continued to edit through pictures for my senior page, AND took a two-hour nap. Oh, the joys of sick-hood.

And now my friends, I enjoy the thrills of talking to my friends who AREN'T at Dannypallooza on AIM. A part of me wishes I could be there right now watching the hilarity ensue, but the bigger part of me likes being waited on by my mother as I cuddle up with my cat and my snuggie and watch a brilliant movie of the book I just finished....

Tomorrow is my first functioning-human day since this ordeal. I awake, shower, SING WITH JEREMY finally, and go off to tech my play. Let's hope these lines are in the shape I want them to be in! :)

Why the F(lu) Hasn't Chadwick Closed-Down School Yet?!

Yep. I'm asking you, Chadwick.

I'm sitting here, at home, a victim of this odd bug going around- might I even mention "the swine flu"- and instead of being a normal kid home sick, I'm panicking about the incessant amounts of homework I have to catch up on. While Weids is reassuring me that my teachers will let me take my time in readjusting to all of the missed work, I still can't help but think of the past years- the nightmares of getting to school and being asked "So, can you make up the quiz during break?" with nothing but the overwhelming heartbeat and a hesitant "SSSSuureee," when in fact I haven't studied because I was dying of a fever or spent my time guzzling pills and leaning over the toilet instead of memorizing formulas.

I think that closing down school for a week would be the smartest thing for Chadwick to do. Think about getting this news. Think about the wonderful things that could happen:

Already sick ones (like me): You aren't going to miss as much school as you thought you were. You can RELAX, which could lead to better and faster recovery!

Already exposed, soon to be sick ones (like my sisters): You can stay home, get sick, and not contaminate the rest of the campus while you are in your first few stages of symptoms. You can get on that Tamiflu immediately and then miss only a little school if it lasts longer than a week.

Exposed, but not-gonna-get-sick ones: Lucky you. Once you're sure you're not sick, have fun.

Teachers: You get to have some time before the parent conferences and catch up on your grading. Maybe even have a spare moment to relax!

Campus: You can take a break. Get clean and sanitized for the new opening to HEALTHY, HAPPY, AND READY-TO-WORK STUDENTS AND FACULTY.

I just don't see a downside to this plan. Instead of being home, video-chatting with the other 10 sickies on my buddy list and worrying about getting all of this worked out, I could be sleeping or slurping up some nice Chicken Noodle Soup while watching a movie and recovering.

Just saying...

Memiores of a Swine/Mono/Sickness-Stricken Senior

So... today is day four of the height of my awkwardly long sickness. Two weeks ago, I ran to the nurse yelping because of an intense cramp-like pain all along my stomach area. I stayed home from school the next day, which I thought helped. Then I went to school the next day which wore me out and I came home and crashed again for another day. This happened on and off for two weeks and this past Monday, the cramping and the pain caused me to miss my cheer practice and come home, where I passed out on my bed for three hours and then woke up, only to work for two hours and pass out again for the rest of the night.

I've been home since then.

Although, I left my house once to go to the doctor, where they told me (after an almost-fainting-spell thanks to my tiny veins and blood tests) I definitely don't have swine flu, but I might have mono. Wait- what?! With almost half of the cast of my play (which includes lots of kissing and hugging) confined at home with "LA SWINE," how on EARTH would I have mono and NOT swine flu?

I put this sickness upon myself by doing WAY too many things these past few weeks. With Rising Stars (which I miss terribly), Homecoming, AND Cherry Orchard.... too much. Thank the lord CO was postponed a week...

So. Here I am. Wallowing in my misery with a bottle of Pepto Bismol pills (can't stomach liquids), a gallon jug of water, my pink snuggie, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, a thermometer, and my house phone next to me. I've missed loads of work, loads of rehearsal, and loads of social interaction.

I'm planning on writing an article for INFLUX entitled "Why the F(lu) has Chadwick not Closed Down Yet?!" With an overwhelming amount of seniors gone at Monday's assembly.... with 8/20 people in my math class on Monday... it makes no sense.

Well that's all for now. My Dad's off to London and I'm off to get through another chunk of this book before I video-chat rehearse for the Cherry Orchard. And after that? Sleep. The UC App. Cukoo's Nest. Art History. My Senior Page. Too much work...

Adieu.

Clippings 1.0

Everybody, Everybody wants to Love.

So, I'm back in full tilt with senior year, and am more busy than I've probably been in my life. I'm involved in two major shows right now, cheerleading, dance company, chorus, etc. But, whatever... it's the usual.

I just got the lead in the play! :) I'm actually extremely excited about it, because I finally will have the opportunity to just focus on ACTING for a while, which I'm finding is my new love within the trifecta-world of musical theater. That's a nice word. Trifecta. Mark, Justin, and I use it to describe our friendship. A trifecta.

Anyway, senior year is amazing. My classes are great, my activities are amazing, I'm driving to school with my permit (haha), my family is great, etc. The only thing holding me back is the sad, sad fact that I have stopped cold turkey with a daily fix of caffeine in the morning, so I have been feeling pretty groggy lately, but I'm happy that soon I won't be as addicted to Starbucks.

So I guess this is just lot's of randomness. My cat Cinnamon died. :( She was 14 years old, and was the sweetest little old lady I've ever been with. I miss her a lot, but know she's in a better place.

OH I probably completely forgot to mention this in the blog... which is odd, but my mom and I had to evacuate a couple of weeks ago because of a beastly fire that was less than half a mile from my house. Pretty scary, but (like angels) Mark's family welcomed us for the night... and with us came our "menagerie" of 15 animals. I still laugh thinking about it now.

I joined INFLUX, a blogging group at Chadwick. Check it out: http://influxatchadwick.blogspot.com/

Yep. More later when I don't have school tomorrow morning and feel like talking more specifically. Maybe another hilariously artsy post soon. :)

Parties

By the way, I had a birthday party. I'm 17 in 13 days, but I had a birthday party last weekend and it was amazing. 'Classy' themed and I wore a rose dress with classy pink heels. Classiness bled everywhere. I loved it.

I also went to Andrew's going away sleepover and woke up a hot sweaty mess after sleeping next to the love of my life, Cammy.

It was a great weekend.

There is Only Babycakes

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?

Time for my first semi-artsy blog where you all can pretend you know and care what I'm talking about but you actually will have no idea! Unless you're a special someone I call Babycakes of course...

Sprinklers of gold in a sea of brown

Mirrors

Flashing lights fade on this sorry town

A time we have to savor

And I'm ready to change the beat

with the drums and sweet, juicy melodies

Motivation begins now, and you better be ready for it

because we'll get to experience something sooner or later.

Horray. Artsy blog/Poem #1 complete.

That is all.

Andrew Smith

Andrew's all set up at Interlochen right now, and I couldn't be happier for him. At the same time, I feel an emptiness with him gone... which is weird because it's not like I see him ALL of the time and now I don't see him at all... but I miss him a lot and know that Interlochen is the perfect place for him. He says it would be the PERFECT place for me, but I think that Chadwick as the right choice.

It's weird to think about the possibilities there would be if I had auditioned for like... Interlochen, or NCSA or somewhere.

School starts for both of us in three days. I couldn't be more excited.

Let the Sun Shine In

I've been home from Carnegie Mellon for three weeks now... which is pretty weird. I got my evaluations and am excited to continue preparing for my auditions and applications. I'm creeping up on Senior Year now... it's almost miserably terrifying and suspiciously exciting at the same time. I've never been this excited for school to start.

A lot of things have happened in the past few days. I started senior year with a BANG of a day. Well, I mean, I haven't exactly started yet, but I helped with the freshmen orientations and it was good. The first day was like... outrageous. I woke up and went to senior orientation with no coffee in my system. Being that it was like... 9 in the morning and I hadn't been up that early since CMU make a morning without caffeine just a tad terrible. BUT, I got to see all of my friends after our long summers away and it was fantastic. Anyway, after HOURS upon hours of orientation, we finally got our pictures taken. I'm retaking mine. It was a hot mess.

After orientation, we wanted to go and see Inglorious Bastards at Regal, which we were excited for. After lots of confusion and stuff, we finally got tickets at the wrong theater (separated from the other people going) and just got lazy and decided to see it here. Then, they carded Mark and OF COURSE we weren't allowed to go because I'm still a baby sixteen-year-old. We passive-aggressively bitched about how my birthday is in a couple of weeks, but nevertheless we were forced to return our tickets.

We then went for a fabulous linner at Ruby's to cool off and chill out. It was a FANTASTIC linner. We shared sliders, gossiped, and just "soaked up eachother's awesomeness." Then, I came home and got in a weird situation that left me sad and exhausted.

This is when the wonderful girl I like to call "Xtina" (Christina) and I talked for hours ("girlfriend power hour") about how much we love our friends and how much we can't wait for senior year. We cried lots and laughed lots and finally everything was okay.

After this power hour, I got the courage to finally tell the guy I've liked on and off for a while now how I feel about everything that's happened. He reacted in the best way possible and I'm so happy that I finally got it off of my chest. It's nice to not have to hide things any more.

This first day of senior year was somewhat of a roller coaster. I believe called it "bi-polar" day. Andrew leaving that morning, no coffee, a fight with my mom, and other sadish things, and then gf power hour, amazing friends, and a good conversation with the guy I like... EVERYTHING was an extreme "happy" or "sad."

I've decided to write in a journal about my Senior Year. It's a beautiful leather-bound journal from Anthropologie and I can't wait to continue filling its pages.

BOAL (aka the essence of my life)

Wow. There is so much I need to say about BOAL. I'm writing my college essay on it, so I'm going to be cheap and basically post it here later so I can update it, but here's a taste of it for you.

On the first day of Orientation, we were told we could do "workshops" in the evenings after our regular classes. There was a Film Workshop, Shakespeare Workshop, Tie Dye Workshop, Movement Workshop, etc. There was also BOAL. Now, first of all, it is not pronounced "bowl." It is Bow-ahl (like "one for ALL") or Bow-aaal (like the name "Al"). Depends on what you feel like. We got to watch BOAL in action on the first introductory meeting for the workshop. We walk into the room and sit down. We are immediately segregated by grade and gender. Jill (my acting teacher and instructor for BOAL) comes up to the front to give what we think is a spiel about the program. BUT NO. She begins to go on about the importance of men in theater and why they are stronger on stage than women. Of course, we are all a little confused with this because we came here ready to experience a social activism theatrical company at work... but whatever. It suddenly becomes clear that she was actually criticizing the work of women and giving all of the power to the men in the room. Some people (who

we later find out were planted in the audience) started to get angry and suddenly everyone was yelling and talking about oppression and why this is ridiculous. Some people left.

We later find out that this was "invisible theater," one of Augusto Boal's tecniques and exercises for his "theatre of the oppressed". If you want to know more about it, please go to http://www.theatreoftheoppressed.org/en/index.php?useFlash=0.

The workshop at Carnegie Mellon introduces and encourages young activists to speak up and raise awareness and social change through the art of theatre. For those of you who know, I had entered CMU just finishing a 30-minute documentary project on Gay Rights and Human Rights, so I was obviously fired up about this.

They showed us various "Image Pieces," which use only movement, music, and LIMITED speech to make a point. In the presentation, one was on Stereotyping, Child Soldiers, Sex Slaves, etc. We had to apply and audition for the company by creating our OWN image theater piece and going to a two-hour audition where we completed the BOAL-ian warm up, which is probably the most interesting and exhausting hour of your life. You are completely free and work with being the oppressed and being the oppressor and maintaining collectivism in a society of individuals, and visa versa.

Out of the 70 people that auditioned, I was picked to be in the 35-person company. And Let me tell you.... this opportunity completely changed my outlook in life and helped me to find my inner self and strengthen my bond with others around me. It developed me as an actress and as a.... person! :)

I'll write more later, but here's a picture of my piece on Gay Rights entitled "Words" that was shown at our closing performance for the entire Pre-College Student Body. :)

Dancing at Carnegie Mellon

Dancing at Carnegie Mellon is absolutely incredible. We dance every day of the week. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have ballet with Judy Conte (see the picture). She is absolutely the most incredible ballet teacher I've had in my life. She has made my actual LOVE for dance come up again. I used to dance for dance and to train and stuff... like "Oh, well I do musical theater so it's not really a question if I dance or not." But now, I am so ANXIOUS to start dance up again after Judy's class. It wasn't necessarily challenging in the sense of doing crazy advanced leaps and adagios, but she just broke down every little simplistic piece of barre technique. She solidified every nice piece of technique so I can now move forward and learn advanced techniques CORRECTLY because I have the clean and simple base that I sometimes feel like I didn't appreciate enough to understand earlier in my dance training.

I had Jazz class on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Renee Keil. She was incredible! Our class had so many good times with her and I got to learn a lot of material in a short amount of time. Her workouts were fun and the combinations we learned we awes

ome because it got us to connect with our bodies and act through the dancing while using proper technique as well. I loved the class because, like ballet, it helped me build a nice base to come home and get more advanced with a better base.

I'm home now and I miss my dance classes so much, as well as dancing in general. Stephanie and I went to the Morrie dance studio once and danced Adrienne's beautiful music. Freestyle dancing is always my favorite because it lets me be who I am and gives me the chance to be anything I want.

Carnegie Mellon has affirmed that dancing is one of my passions, and I look forward to school and dance classes outside of school. I've been missing and craving dance for a while now!

Singing at Carnegie Mellon

So, I'm just going to go through the list I put on the "Acting at Carnegie Mellon" post and continue to tell you about the wonders here. Right now, I'm currently sitting in a big comfy armchair in the laundry room waiting for one of the washing machines to open up.

Okay, so singing at CMU is obviously a big deal. Because this is musical theater we're talking about here. Okay have a singing class with around 10-12 people and then you can opt to get a private vocal coach here for some money. I have both.

My singing class is taught by the wonderful Claudia Benack. I thankfully have a class of all girls, so we get to learn and grow from each other in a pretty cool and unique way. We do indeed have a spectrum of voices: trained to untrained, soprano to alto, dark to bright, etc. It's also fun to hear all of the repitoire and unique songs my peers are bringing to class. We have a good time gossiping about adorable students that work here, Claudia's match.com blunders, and our fabulous shoes. :) It's a great class!

My private voice teacher is Patty Donohue. She's a mezzo-soprano with a love for the words "boobs," "uterus," "bra cups," etc. She's eccentric and I love her. She plays and sings for a Jewish group and a Catholic group, so she has all of the religious affiliations covered. She's teaching me a stronger head voice using a more operatic and legit way to warm me up and train my voice. She is so kind and has twice given me some food because I was about to fall over after being EXHAUSTED after ballet class. I'm going to miss her hilarious sense of humor and great technical help.

My audition for singing in on Thursday, August 6th at TEN IN THE MORNING! I'm starting to get nervous and I am going to try to sleep at least 8 hours every night until then. We'll see how long that works out! :)

Acting at Carnegie Mellon

Acting is the single most stressed of the three disciplines at Carnegie Mellon. My acting teacher is a GODDESS. Her name is Jill Wadsworth and she has changed my life drastically in the last four weeks. Her playfulness, focus, and determination to help us succeed in our "goal setting" has shown me so much about myself as an individual and an actress.

(Me and Jill Wadsworth)

Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I wake up bright and early to get to class at 8:30 am (1/2 an hour earlier than the rest of the program because Jill wants us for as much time as possible) to warm-up and wake ourselves up. We work in the magnificent Rauh black box theater in the Purnell Center for the Performing Arts. The building is GORGEOUS and the facilities are like no other. It is truly a dream come true. Somebody is going to have to pull me kicking and screaming away from this place. ANYWAY, After warming up, we then read and discuss the New York Times, work on action exercises, play some games to get us out of our heads, and work intensely on scenes. Right now, we are in the middle of our scene work. I'm doing a piece from Twelfth Night by Shakespeare, during which I confess my love to a woman dressed as a man. Because of the specific style of the piece, I have to wear a corset every day we work (see on the left), and on the off days I rehearse in it. I never understood pain until this class! :) The workload for this class is crazy intense. Jill sends us lists every night of what we need to get done, and we do it without question because it's what we love to do, but it does take a lot of hard work and staying up late. I love every minute of it, though. I mean, it's why I'm here.

Another class that has to do with the acting discipline is Audition. I have it with the brilliant Doug Mertz. Let me try to explain Doug Mertz to you. On the first day, we learned eachothers names by writing our name with our butts for everyone. It was brilliant. Doug is an intense actor and knows his stuff... well. We read Michael Shurtleff's Audition... which is like the BIBLE of audition technique. If you are an actor/actress or aspire to be one... pick it up now. NOW. Our class consists of working on monologues, cold reading, practicing introductions (which I constantly mess up by infamously flipping my hair around), talking about the "guideposts" in Shurtleff's God-like wisdom, and fixing resumes and headshots. I have a lot of fun with "Moug/Mug Dertz" and the rest of the girls and have learned a lot through the class.

(My Audition Class!)

My Acting audition is on Friday, August 7th at 1:00 pm for Carnegie Mellon's College Drama Program. I'm nervous out of my mind, but enthusiastic that I've had this brilliant opportunity so far.

I'm off to bed, as it is 1:15 a.m. here and I have a vocal lesson, acting rehearsal, BOAL rehearsal, and lots of work/ shopping to do tomorrow.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,

Caitlyn

Life in Pittsburgh

If there is anything I've failed in the past month while I've gotten ready and been at Carnegie Mellon, it's keeping up with this blog.

I'm currently lying stomach down on my bed in my dorm room eating my new favorite snack, white cheddar popcorn, as my roommate works on a Power Point she needs to make for her BOAL piece. I've been here for a month now. It's been the fastest month of my life. I leave CMU in two weeks and I feel like I haven't started yet. I want to catch you up on everything, so this might take a few posts. I kind of want to dedicate each post to one aspect of the program so I can focus myself a little bit.

This post will be dedicated to just the LIFE here.

Lessons Learned:

1. Carry an umbrella with you all of the time in Pittsburgh. It's probably the most A.D.D. weather I've ever experienced. I was talking to my friend, Tamer, on AIM the other day and we started talking and I remember looking out the window and it was bright and sunny and hot. About five minutes into our conversation, I look outside and it is dumping BUCKETS of rain.

2. Steal apples, not computers. In order to save some money, I steal apples from the cafeteria. I don't think they mind, because they aren't O.C.D. about leaving the cafeteria with food like UCLA is, but I'm sure they wouldn't be happy little pumpkins if they found out I was smuggling at least 20 apples a week into my dance bag. HOWEVER, I am indeed an UNhappy little pumpkin because exactly two weeks ago my laptop was stolen from the third floor of the drama building during a rehearsal. Thankfully, I was able to get a new computer and have my pictures backed up, but I'm still sad my baby of 2 years is gone. May she rest in peace.

3. In dorm life, 2 A.M. is the new 11 P.M. Seriously, I know of no one who sleeps before 1:30 A.M. here in the dorms. I mean, our lives are crazy busy, but never thought about homework and stuff until I came here. Chadwick looks like a joke compared to the amount of stuff I have to do. Right now, I'm surprisingly done with homework, which is why I have this pocket of time to write in the blog, but yeah. Life is ridiculous.

4. Middle-school style cliquiness never leaves us. There are a couple of intense cliques here and I like to meander among some of them, primarily one though. It's weird, because I'm friends with like 1-2 people from each clique so I feel odd, but I guess I "belong" to one. The people here are really great and it's amazing to share my passion with SO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. I love it.

5. I am spoiled. My dorm room is HUGE. I can try to capture the size in picture form, but its like... a beast. We have so much floor space it's ridiculous. I absolutely love it.

Well, that's all I have for now. I will go on to post the other specific blogs right now.

:)

Tousle Me Softly

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently (now that I have the actual time to just think about whatever I want). I've decided upon some things and have set out to make some legitimate goals for myself, which is a good thing. I've also been inspired by the challenges and situations of my close friends. I leave in three days for a six-week-long musical theater intensive at Carnegie Mellon University. I'll be studying among the best of the best, learning everything I possibly can. I'm excited, and will be keeping up with the blog while I'm there for my own sake, to remember everything I learn.

Anyway, I've some really good conversations with some close friends recently. One is struggling with acceptance and tolerance of others as they get comfortable with a part of him or herself he or she semi-recently discovered, and the other is trying to understand himself and his emotional complexities.

I'd like to think I know myself pretty well. I think I do. I'm always told I seem sure of myself, which can be good and bad. Sometimes I appear intimidating or too serious, but I've figured out that I carry myself in a way that makes me feel strong. Since my dad's brain tumor ordeal in eighth grade, I've developed this newfound sense of myself that requires me to be responsible for others around me and makes me feel that I have to get EVERYTHING done. It's something hard to deal with. I can't relax.

Anyway, as I was talking to my friends, I tried as hard as I could to say the right things and help them with their confusion and frustration, and I realized that I have yet to confront frustrations and confusions I am still hiding. I remember with "emotionally-challenged" friend, we talked about not having time to deal with personal issues, and therefore leaving them to the side and masking their effects.... to be dealt with at a more convenient time. I've realized that the only thing this avoidance does is amplify the negative effects.

So, I'm going to deal with them now. I'm going to try to at least. I want my experience at CMU to be fresh and focused, not bogged down with my junior year troubles that I originally thought had vanished after stepping out of my AP Biology final presentations.

Here goes.

1. I for some reason have stopped caring to be associated with certain acquaintances. Close and superficial "friends" alike, I get annoyed easily and turned-off easier. I want to fix it, because I genuinely care for these people, but I often feel embarrassed... or like I'm equating myself with "lesser" people. It's a dumb and mean feeling, and I hate it, but I'm not quite sure what to do. I wish the feeling would just vanish. I wish I could be the good person who likes people for who they are and not what they make me look like. That's what I want to be. That's one of my goals. But for right now, I think a summer away from them will help me evaluate the situations. Sometimes separation is what actually shows the truth in friendships.

2. I love my family and wish I could be with them more. I wont see my sisters for seven weeks, and it kills me inside. On the outside, we look like we just joke around and have a sarcastic love for each other, but I've realized recently how much my family means to me and how much I need them. I want to be with them a lot more, and only have one more year home to do it. I wish I had realized this sooner.

3. It kills me a little when a guy doesn't like me back. It's happened SO MANY times. I get all middle-school girl-esque and start acting retarded or really quiet around someone that interests me and it turns out to fail majorly. I want so badly to be accepted by "that guy" that I act differently around them. I mean, I think every girl does this, but I get tempted to change to a pretty major extent. Recently, I tried to change a part of me that I consider to be good for a guy. The situation was hard for me and I decided in the end to not pretend because I'm not comfortable with it (pretending, that is). Maybe I could have gotten him by being fake... but think about it, would it have been worth it? If right now I were with him, would it be a healthy situation for me? Probably not.

So I guess it was bittersweet. I forced myself to go back to the "just friends" stage, which is still awesome. He's a great person, great friend, and a lot of fun to be with (and I'm going to miss him so much next year), but now I can sit with my complete self and find someone who would be completely comfortable with that. Good stuff all around. That's what it's about, babe.

But really though... I need a date now. I'm getting somewhat lonely. I have my super close guy friends like Cameron, Mark, Justin, Brian, etc., but (no offense guys) they don't fill the boy-toy-void (ahaha... such a bad way to say that). I need something with no strings attached. Something fun. It is summer, after all.

I had more things to talk about, but I'm forgetting them at the moment.

More later if I think about it. :)

Love always,

Caitlyn

PS. I love long, intense, personal conversations. If I know you, let's have a good one.

Let Me See Here...

So, this is my first blog entry. I once had a blog, but I never kept up with it and finally decided to delete it. But here I am now, and I'm going to try my hardest to actually say things now.

I guess there's not much to say about me. If you know of me, you probably don't know me well. If you know me well, then you understand the chaos that is Caitlyn. I guess I'm not as chaotic as some of the crazy friends I have, but I'm for sure up there. Someone who knows "of" me would say I do theater, cheer, and sing a lot. Someone who knows me well would tell you of my ridiculous phrases, my insecurities, my latest love life craze, and my insomnia.

If you read this, you may soon become somewhat closer to knowing me well. Great, right? :)

But I guess I can start this blog by talking about the insanity of my last week.

Tuesday-Friday: Finals

Saturday: SAT IIs, Auditions, Prom (more on this later)

Sunday-Friday: Outdoor Education in the Sierra Nevadas (more on this later)

Friday: Baccalaureate, Rehearsal

Saturday: Worked at Graduation ALL day, Saw UP

Sunday: Going away party for my friend from Germany

Monday: My cousins are coming into town in literally 20 minutes.

My life is pretty insane. I go to a pretty intense school and take AP courses, and then try to balance a theater life of training inside and outside of school for musical theater. For example, my Tuesdays included: Classes, Cheer, Dance, Rehearsal, Shakespeare Class. I got to school at 7:30, got home at 9:30. That's an example of what my life is like, I guess.

Now that it's summer, though, I'm a little less stressed and a little more free. It's a good feeling.

More to come later in more organized posts. This was just kind of a blob of introductory nonsense, so here we go! :)