Many things have happened in the last few days.

1. Rent ended, and I went into a state of semi-depression.
2. I performed in my last chorus concert and musical theatre show.
3. I committed to UCLA FOR MUSICAL THEATRE! It was the hardest decision of my life, but I know I made the right one.
4. Two of my best friends committed to Yale, so I'll get to visit them BOTH at the SAME TIME!
5. My senior sleepover. Is. Tonight. Surreal? I think yes.

I have some stuff to do before I leave in a few hours! Talk to you later.

It's Time Now, To Sing Out...

But the story ended.

I'll write about tonight when I'm not breaking down every five minutes.

English Reflection

I wanted to save the reflection for English class for when I was at home. I don't know why... but it felt better to me.

1. Who are you? (What are some of your traits? What are some of your beliefs? What makes you content or happy? What do you stand for? What won't you stand for? Where do all of these come from, specifically?

2. What has been your purpose, the meaning of your existence so far? Looking at what you wrote on the first page, what do you hope the purpose of your existence will be in the future?

I'm a 5'5" brunette with matching brown eyes that tend to change their hue depending on the light. Sometimes, they turn an odd red-brown that makes me feel like a demon when people notice it. Other times, they look hazel. My hair is a beast and is extremely difficult to manage properly. It is easily damaged, but that doesn't stop me from trying to tame it with anything I can. I'm often uncomfortable in my own skin, except for when I'm on stage. When I'm performing, even as myself, I feel more comfortable, which is unusual for most people. I tend to live with my heart more than my head and am a relationship-oriented person. I like talking to people. I like talking about myself. I believe that people are inherently similar in some way or another. I make sweeping generalizations and often feel myself being pulled into stereotypes and norms, but try to avoid them at all costs. I strongly believe in LGBTQ rights and human rights in general. I believe in the power of art. I believe in love. I believe in God and some form of an afterlife. I believe in Heaven, but I'm still not sure about Hell. I believe that my late grandpa is always there for me and often talk to him before I sleep. I pray. I get obsessive about things and music. I get caught up in completely useless situations and self-imposed drama to pass the time. I imagine my life through the eyes of my friends to see what they would do in situations. I can't verbalize the way I feel about some people (romantically or platonically). I get frustrated with friends when they're distant. I get jealous. I make to-do lists that never get done. I'm pretty forgetful. I'm also pretty organized, even though my room may look like chaos. I like bright rooms and natural light. I like being on stage. I like wearing character shoes and big t-shirts. I feel the most beautiful when I'm clean, in soffee shorts and a big t-shirt with no make-up and my hair in a loose ponytail. I'm content and happy. I am scared and nervous (especially for my performance tonight, which makes no sense because I'm never nervous before shows).

I want to write more, but my call time is soon and I need to get ready. I'll talk more later.

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

Wow. Sorry I haven't posted in like... 25,000 years. Well... here I go on today's rant.

I'm seventeen years old and am walking through the Chadwick gates as an alumni in less than two months. I am performing in my last opening night show in eight hours. I am writing my last English reflection in twenty minutes. I am ending classes in one week. I am going on an excursion in three.

I don't think I've been hit yet. I don't think I know what's to come. I'm still uncommitted to college -- still have yet to make the massive choice that will change the overall outcome of my life. I'm most likely going to be a Bruin, but we'll see. The Cardinal in me has yet to get its paws of my heart and I can't focus on the clear goals I've been dreaming of accomplishing for a decade now.

Tonight, I open RENT.

I will play Maureen: an oversexed, bisexual, diva-licious, fun-loving, ambitious performing artist. I will sing my songs and go through with my performance. I'll sing and belt and wear leather pants and flirt with three + people even though I have a girlfriend. I will cry, laugh, and get pissed off. I will sing the last note of Seasons of Love with tears streaming down my face on Saturday night. I will hold their hands so tight and refuse to leave the stage. I will break down in my senior speech on closing night. I will remember being one of the lone eighth graders four years ago when Ms. Nordlund (then Frank) arrived at Chadwick and changed my life. I don't think I'll try to hold it in like I tried last year. I think it'll pour onto the tiles of the Black Box. I'll see Mark look at me again like I'm a wreck. Like "Let the Sunshine: Part Two."

I don't think I've felt so connected to a show before.

When I found out that K-Dub was leaving, I broke down in this exact seat in this exact classroom during our free reading time. Then again on the stage after my last bows of the Dance Concert. Tonight I'll be upset again, but this time it might be more numb. It's the last time, and before I've always thought "nawww, we still have ________."

No, we have nothing. Nothing more. No more "White Dolphins" will I see hidden behind a post. No more hilarious reenactments of song lyrics backstage as my fellow thespians rip up the stage. No more dressing room dance parties or mic tape annoyances or tripping over lights while coming offstage or crossing behind the curtain or trying not to hit the cyc or wiping deodorant marks off of shirts or having gross sweaty hugs or holding hands with cast mates or sitting in circles eating delicious dinners or all-day rehearsals or making gross harmony for no reason or hearing ANYTHING and relating it to a lyric or line from a show or getting hair caught in your microphone or having to go braless because of costume restraints or being surprisingly less self-conscious on the stage or late night post-rehearsal pinkberry runs with friends you have no time to get to know the way you want to or warming up ridiculously high and low or singing in the staircase and being too loud or having opportunities to interact with people you never knew or eating it offstage and discovering 10+ bruises a few days later or making once-clean lyrics obscene and dirty or singing your thoughts or just sitting backstage and taking it in or washing your costumes after the run of the show and realizing how DISGUSTING they are or mic checks with ridiculous songs or audiences so moved you want to hug them or devoted parents who watch your every performance or being known as the theater kid or talking about Jack Sage or trying to do homework when you get home at night but actually just talk to friends from the show because even though you were with them for seven hours straight, you can't get enough of them. Or blog about this all instead of focus in class because even when you aren't on the stage or in Laverty, it's the only thing that you can think about.

I'll miss it... maybe a little too much.

Maureen

Hey Ya'll!

I'm in rehearsal for RENT right now. Because Maureen is basically not in the first act, I have lots of down time right now.

I think I'm coming close to making a decision, but I'll talk about that more later. Right now, I'm going to talk about my character in RENT to figure it out.

I think that Maureen in many ways the opposite of what I aspire to be, and in many ways is exactly who I want to be right now. Like me, she's vulnerable during the time of the play. She's just changed her sexual identity (or has just discovered it, or is confused) and (like Molly so brilliantly explained) is having a clashing relationship with Joanne, who is just as controlling and competitive as Maureen. Maureen loves the spotlight; she loves being the center of attention, and Mark would give in and come back to her no matter what she did. She's learned to find love and affection with superficial relationships and attention for "fun." Like basically every other character in the show, she's in a vulnerable and awkward change in her life, so it's easier for her to flirt and cover it up. Joanne is who she'll always love, but she doesn't understand how to give to a relationship in the same way someone will give to her. She's selfish in that way.

When Angel dies, she becomes suddenly aware of the importance of her relationship with Joanne... she doesn't know what she would do if she were to go.

More later.

Decisions Part 1

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been in a crazy state of mind. I'm on the plane ride home from Stanford. It was the last time I'll be up there before my decision, which is a little nerve-racking. When I get off the plane, we're going to UCLA to visit. I'm having lunch with Rachel Lee (a senior is the MT program) and later, coffee with Hunter Bird (a sophomore and close Norris friend of mine).

I've started and added and added and added to my pro/con list. I'm going to everyone I know for advice: my parents, my teachers, my theater teachers, students, etc. It's a weird feeling to know that I'm leaving in a few months. It's also weird that these monumental senior experiences are drawing to a close...

My last musical at Chadwick closes in two weeks.

My last dance concert closes in a week.

My last chorus concert is in three weeks.

My last day of school is in three weeks.

My senior trip leaves in a month.

My senior sleepover, the thing I've been waiting for for seven years, is flying towards me.

AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHAT SCHOOL SWEATSHIRT I'M GOING TO BE WEARING AND WHAT WINDOW DECAL WILL BE JOYFULLY PLACED ON THE TINY BACK WINDOW OF THE MINI?!

I'm currently listening to the Sweet Charity soundtrack. I'm auditioning in about a month for two dream roles in a show with amazing numbers and great dance opportunities. Not only that, but I'll get to update my theater bio:

Caitlyn Calfas – Caitlyn graduated from Chadwick School in June and will begin studying (Musical Theatre/Drama) at (UCLA's Roy Boldger Musical Theatre Program/Stanford University) in the fall, and could not think of a better way to spend her last summer "home" than with her Norris family. She has participated in over 40 productions in the South Bay area and couldn't be more excited for her future in theatre. Some of her favorite memories in theater include Rent (Maureen), Hair (Sheila), Charlie Brown (Sally), Irene (Irene), Working (Delores), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Helena), Bugsy Malone (Tallulah), and Seussical (Bird Girl). She has also performed for five consecutive years in the annual Rising Stars benefit here at the Norris. Caitlyn has previously trained at Carnegie Mellon University, North Carolina School of the Arts, and UCLA. She deeply thanks John and Alexis for their wisdom and passion, Debbie, Renee, and her entire Norris family for these past six years, and her family and friends for always supporting her in everything she does.

Thanks for giving me the time to write that out! One job accomplished. I never find time to update my bio...

I'll write more later, but have a good day/night/weekend!

Mollytime

I'm studying with Molly.

I'll talk more later.

Hello.

My name is Caitlyn Calfas and I am in love with Stanford University.

One of the more memorable moments of my long day here at Stanford was my admissions counselor (a.k.a. the guy who admitted me) recognizing me and remembering my application. I feel so WELCOME. The campus is beautiful, the people are relaxed and happy, there is lots of pride, the weather is great (I mean, it was chilly today, but if this is "bad weather," I'm set), and the drama building and department looks awesome. I could imagine myself walking around (or should I say, biking around) and enjoying my classmates.

So do you think you've made a decision? No. Not at all. Now that I know something more about the school, I'm ready to begin really thinking about my pros and cons list and what I have going for me in both places.

And yes, Christina. We do creep a little too much.

More to come later. :)

Mark & Christina

Are beasts.

CONGRATULATIONS TO TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS FOR EVERYTHING. YOU BOTH DESERVE IT SO MUCH.

I'm leaving for Stanford in twenty minutes.

This could possibly be the best day ever!

Bright Eyed

Good Morning World.

I'm again sorry for ranting about the hot mess that is my life right now.

It was a whole bunch of ...

Today, I will again try to talk about gummy bears and fluffy puppies (not that whiny kittens aren't cute... and hilarious). My sister(s?) attacked my bathroom with toilet paper and ugly pictures of Jennifer and myself. I woke up around 11, rolled out of bed, opened the door and BAM! T.P. in my face. It was cute... I guess.

April Fools is one of those "holidays" I never get... I mean, I can always play pranks on people. I've taken the GLORY for many known pranks such as the evil, convoluted plot against Justin a few months ago. But, pranks always have a downfall. No matter how hilarious or cruel, there's always going to be a negative side effect to your coldhearted-ness (good English usage, Caitlyn). For me, it was practically losing my best friend for a few months. Maybe I shouldn't prank again?

But I get it. April Fools is a day made so people can give into their evil, beastly desires and say or do that ONE THING that they've always wanted to. You always have the excuse of "oh... april fools!" I mean, that's how one of my boyfriends threw it out there that he wanted to break up....

Him: I've been thinking... we need to talk.

Me: Umm... okay?

Him: I don't think this is working out.

Me:.........What?

Him: I just don't really feel it any more.

Me: Wow... are you breaking up with me?

Him: ........APRIL FOOLS! Heh...heh...heeeeh....

Sure enough, two days later... I got a phone call and things were actually over. CUTE!

OH! and I've had those moments when you want to tell the guy friend you like that you've liked him foreeeevaaahhh. Testing the waters is always okay on April Fools Day!

You: Hey, (Name). I've been thinking a lot and

I think I just need to be hoonesssttt witchu.

Him: Yeah? Afterwards we can go (insert "friendly" activity)

You: Ummm... okay. But I think I like you.

Him: *cold, deep, gut-wrenching silence*

You: ........APRIL FOOLS! Heh...heh...heeeeh...

You know what? I take it back. I like April Fools. It gives me a way out... an opportunity that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Alrighty, that's my two cents on this subject. I'm off to pack for STANFORD and maybe do some shopping before my flight tonight. Have an amazing day... I mean when you wake up to SNOW-LOOKING ICE ON THE GROUND in LOS ANGELES... what isn't there to love?

Sasstime 1.0

Situation: Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Then likes different guy. More complications intertwined. (This description used to be more specific, but I want to save SOME of my life for privacy...)

Now, I feel like my heart is being thrown around on that huge HAIR parachute and that at any moment it will smack some guy in the face and things might be okay. Not to mention that hilarious little fact that my best friend that I could always go to about this is M.I.A. for understandable reasons. I'm leaning on my girlfriends so much right now, which feels unsafe for me because of my past experiences with girlfriends. Yes, it's been three years. Yes, I should be over it... and I am, but I'm basically as cautious as possible now. Speaking of that situation, shout out to Austen's recent post, because I get you. I too get that annoying jealous/angry/"am I UNWORTHY OF YOUR LOVE?!" feeling when that stuff happens.

I'm sure to you or whoever you are, that so beautifully explained "situation" isn't a big deal. It really isn't... in the grand drama spectacle that seems to be my life, but it feels like a big thing when mounted on the 525,600 (shoot me) other things I need to be focusing on... when it really is the one thing I want to focus on. I have only a month or two left with these people... what am I going to do?

Sorry for the rant. Mark always says I shouldn't apologize for going off like this, but I feel the need to. You were probably expecting a very bubbly "LIFE IS GRAND" post that will make you barf rainbows of joy, but sadly, that is not how this one feels right now. On the brightside, you can see a not-so-perfect side to that SPRING BREAK IS LIKE... THE BEST TIME EEVAAAHHH façade I tricked you with. JK... I was happy as a clam until like... two days ago... :o)

Although, I did buy some new clothes today and danced for three hours... which was much needed and much enjoyed.

I'm off to Stanford tomorrow, and couldn't be more excited...

I'm nervous I'll fall head over heels in love with it...

Good. Night.