I'm moving to tumblr. Sorry Blogspot. 


See you there! :)
http://calfasinspired.tumblr.com/

New hair, y'all. I miss my old, long, locks, but love that it takes me ZERO time to style any more because none of it is gross and dead!


Today was a good day of Charity. I was really tired though because I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Thankfully, I have a day of rest tomorrow so I get to just sit and review my lines and everything before starting into tech week (Oh. My. God.). We had our designer "stumble-through" which went relatively well for stumbling. I only went up on a few of my beast amount of lines and knew my choreography, which was splendid.


I'm now stalking celebrities on twitter. I've never done it before. It seems like a reasonable waste of time...

Today... a lot of things went down regarding my hair.


I woke up bright and early and went down to Beverly Hills to meet my Director to try on wigs. Boom. Within five minutes of trying them on, Charity's hair miraculously makes her appearance on my head and we're set for the show. The problem is my hair/ head. My head is MASSIVE. HUGE. One of the things I get super self-conscious about. And on top of that massive Greek head is a mop of huge, thick hair. Not ideal for hiding under wigs. So what happens? I go home and decide I want to cut some of it off. I forgot what it was like to get a significant hair cut, because my mom only took off like... 3 inches and POOF- it bounced back up to the springy, frizzy curls I've been fighting since tenth grade. Freaking out about my triangle hair, I threw a fit and took a shower. The significantly shorter (and healthier) mop is now in a towel and is going to be untouched by hot things (irons, the sun, etc.) for the next week or two. I want it to maintain its health. This means I'm going to have to get creative with the ways I style it. And so begins my new discovering of how to make my hair look good after almost two years of long hair that was easy to style.


In other news, tonight is our first run through of Sweet Charity. I'm really nervous, but bouncing with excitement. I can't believe we open in ONE WEEK! :-o

Love Me Some Charity

I really don't know what to say. Today was a fantastic day. I woke up early to go try on wigs at local shops for Charity. Damn, that bitch be hard to find the right hairstyle for! Of course it doesn't help that I have such a ginormous head... Anyway, so we found some that might work, but I have to go down the BevHills on Friday with my director to find the right one anyway. Then, I went home and reviewed all of my choreography. In the whole show. EVERYTHING! Then, I had a costume fitting, which went wonderfully (I love my costumes.) and rushed home to get ready for rehearsal and say goodbye to Jen. 


As I mentioned in my last post, she is leaving for South Africa tonight (the plane left 3 hours ago) and will arrive in Johannesburg tomorrow at 11 pm... Which is mind-blowing to me. I said goodbye to her quickly before driving away and realizing the magnitude of my sister being half-way around the world from me for three weeks. It didn't hit me until I was at the top of my street on my way to get a Peach Perfection from Jamba before my beast rehearsal. I started bawling in the car to Gavin Creel's soulful new EP, "Quiet." I drove the rest of the way in a somber, depressed manner. I already miss Jen so much. I even walked into her room and started to get teary eyed a few minutes ago. :( 
I love my sister so much.


Anyway, I successfully pulled myself together and got my Jamba. I sped over to the Pavilion to begin rehearsal. I learned a soft-shoe dance for "I Love....Weddings" in legitimately 30 seconds, then reviewed my "Brass Band" choreo, then learned a new scene, then danced and finished "Brass Band" which was a major major check off of the big list. Charity is getting easier to sit with. I'm finding the Charity in me. It's a nice feeling. Letting out all of my emotions in "Brass Band" through the seven minutes of expressive dance was... liberating. I was able to swing my arms while leaping, but then got to perform one of the cleanest, sharpest Fosse numbers every choreographed. I felt on top of the world. I almost started crying after my cast applauded when we'd finished the number and ran it twice. I was dripping (actually dripping... ew) with sweat, crouched over because of the monster cramp in my side, but wanted to cry with joy. I was excited again.... :) After a 10 minute break, we continued rehearsal as usual and went through some fine-tuning of scenes and called it a night. Molly and I went out for ice cream, then to my house to chill. I excitedly video chatted with Mark and feel so on top of the world right now, despite the forming shin splints that make me shudder every time I move my leg... yum.


Anyway, we're staging the show in the THEATER for the first time tomorrow and I could not be more excited.


I better get some sleep. 
I loved today. I want this again.

Today was much better than yesterday. I made myself the best pancakes in the world, took a ballet class and did significantly better than I thought I would after months of no ballet, and went immediately into rehearsal for Charity. The rehearsal was productive. Some of my castmates have been really supportive over the past few days, and I love them for it. They're really making me feel more and more comfortable being in such a big role and are making me feel like I might pull it off!

I'm now sitting here after a Yogurtlandsesh with my sister who is leaving for Africa tomorrow. It actually is making me a little bit nervous... I'm not sure why. I don't want to be without contact for my sisters for so long. Last summer was seven weeks, and it was unbearable.

I've just gone on an iTunes spree of like... 10 songs. (naughtynaughty me!)
It's thrilling. Tomorrow, I'm getting my wig fitted for Charity. This is the first time I've ever had to wear a wig on stage! How thrilling/annoying!


I didn't know it was possible, but the muscles in my forearms are sore right now... ?!


Quote of the day: "I think you broke my head." - Zoe Fiske
Goodnight. :)

Today was a day of frustration.
But tomorrow will be a day of growth, challenge, and success.

Dreams

I want to start posting dreams I've been having. You can decipher them for yourselves. 


The other night, I had a dream I was with a guy, "John" (it is a real person that I do know, but I want to keep this anonymous), and we were arguing about something and then I said something bitchy. I realized it was sassy and just stopped his angry walk away and hugged him for a really long time. He pulled away but I stopped him. We continued to hug. He looked at me and I said, "This is how I say I'm sorry." He kissed me said, "I'm sorry." Then walked away. It wasn't a bad thing. I was happy and woke up smiling, but I still don't get it.

Happy 234th, America.

Today is (well, was) Independence Day. I spent my 4th with friends. I woke up in the afternoon, made more cupcakes, memorized Sweet Charity lines, and went to Trapani's house for some good laughs and relaxation. 


I told Molly this last night, and she didn't believe me. I don't want to make this too obvious, but they're gone. At least I think they are. And I feel like a better, more worthy friend for it.
Anyway, today was a good day. I had good food and spent time with people that I'm not used to not seeing for weeks at a time. I can't believe I'm officially not going to school with these people any more. It's weird to think of Chadwick continuing to exist without me and my class. For some reason, it feels like we were the end of a generation.

I'm sitting here late at night, staring at the clock. I tried to make my lights dimmer to make me feel sleepier, but nothing can really stop this insomnia. My Sweet Charity script is sitting next to me, along with my keys. The juxtaposition is remarkable to me. Charity and the Norris makes me feel so frozen in my current life, while the keys with their glimmering UCLA TFT keychain make me think of all of the possibilities in my future. I'm sitting here with my heart beating with anticipation for everything coming up, but I'm still just sitting. No, I'm not working on my lines right now, and I'm not getting together stuff for UCLA. I'm just sitting here.


My friends have really been there for me in the last few years. A lot has happened in my life, and I didn't realize until last night how dependent I've been on them. I always used to say that my birthday held a curse. In the fall, I always received some bad news or had something happen to me or a loved one that I couldn't control.


In eighth grade, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor which basically threw my family and I to a grinding halt in our everyday lives. In ninth grade, my Grandpa passed away. In fact, I had a dream about him the other night and woke up with those chest pains I get from holding back my tears. I then spent the next half-hour in a daze of half-consciousness and heaving sobs bundled in my sheets. I've been thinking about him so much lately. I can't believe he wasn't here for my graduation... for some reason that really baffles me, and every time I think about him I feel the same pains I thought had left me a few years ago in my grieving process. In tenth grade, both of my childhood dogs passed away. Gus was gone two days after my birthday and Blue left us a few months later. It was devastating, and like with my grammmpa, I'm feeling the effects of it lately. In eleventh grade, I had surgery on my facial tumor I told you about. That was tough but I don't really feel like elaborating. In twelfth grade... I don't really remember anything bad happening. I got mono... that sucked. I was DROWNING in school work and college apps. Maybe God was giving me a break...


Anyway, the point was to reflect. My friends really have been there. Beautiful families put the effort in and cooked us dinner for WEEKS while Dad was in the hospital. They took us in. When I need to cry about something, they're there. When I need a yogurt run after a tough day, they're there. When I'm venting, they let me vent. They provide positive reinforcements and rational sounding boards for my most immature and unimportant problems. Thank God for you guys, because I don't think I could've gone through that without you. The amount of people I've hugged while sobbing is absurd. I can think of Cameron, Julianne, Justin, Molly, Jennifer, Dad, etc. The amount of people that have talked to me through my tears provide me with a small army.


Woah, I don't really know how or why that all just came up, but now I just realized I'm crying without even knowing it. I need to study my script a little before sleep.

I love you, whoever you are.

Hey guys. Sorry for the lag between posts. Sweet Charity is completely consuming my life. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than rehearsal, but it actually is completely taking over everything. Like I'm going to one of my BFF's 4th of July party late because I have to sit at home and memorize lines. And I've already missed 4 parties and many, many hours of sleep.


But I'm excited. Although today was one of the most difficult days of my life in the theater, I'm still thrilled to be there. There were moments when I thought I would lose my composure. When I thought I was done for, and when I almost gave up on myself. I almost stopped trying. I almost broke down... multiple times. But I didn't, and I'm stronger because of it. Charity is a tough role for me, because I feel that she's so unlike me. But lately, I've been feeling so vulnerable and unsure of my future that I'm reading her story and characterizing a person and part of myself that I'm becoming more and more aware of. I won't get into the dirty details, but this girl is... amazing. How she continues to remain optimistic despite her (for lack of a better word) shitty life circumstances is beyond me, but I find it admirable.

Well heya! Who knew I'd be learning something from this "stupid broad."

Anyway, as the past week of my life has been sucked up with charityCHARITYCHARITY, other things have happened to me too! For starters, my exercise regimen is actually staying on track. I go to the gym or for a run every day I don't have a 2-hour or longer dance rehearsal. I also started taking daily vitamins. I found out that Osteoporosis runs in my family, so I'm trying to really stay on top of my calcium consumption. I'm starting major planning for my wonderful single dorm room! I already posted a little sumthin-sumthin for you, but it's changed since then... same idea though... kind of. I'm also drinking a ton of water (Carsan! I learned! - [we were dehydration problem buddies on outdoor ed]). Like I feel like Rachelle because I'm peeing every hour on the hour. It's absurd... and maybe that was a little too much to say. But so I sound like I care? No.

Well... let's see. I'm currently thinking of dying a colored streak in my hair like both of my sisters. I also want to apply to be a Bruin Woods counselor in two summers. I also got my first bank account (zing) and credit card. I'm actually so anxious for college to start, it's absurd. Jake (friend who's going to be a sophomore in the UCLA MT program and is also in Sweet Charity) was teaching me some of the Tai Chi moves today during one of the moments we had where neither of us were doing anything. It was amusing and reminded me of Godspell (oh dear god). Molly and I are potentially going to NYC for five or six days. We're planning on seeing Broadway shows galore, doing the touristy stuff I still have yet to do, frolic through Central Park, Yoga in Bryant Park, maybe some master classes, and general extravagant explorations that only the MollyCaitlynConnection could concoct. I don't think that's a word, but my Mac doesn't put a little red line under it, so I suppose we're on track here. 

Anyway, I miss blogging. I miss it and hope I'll do it more often this week. 

My show opens in less than two weeks and I am FREAAAKINNN OUUUUUTTTT!!!!

OH, one last thing. I made. the.

most.

incredible.

cupcakes. 

yesterday/two days ago.

CHOCOLATE//PEANUTBUTTER.

the frosting was to die for *flips hair* just sayin...

how i feel today:

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while... I'm in the full swing of Charity rehearsals and have little time to just relax, which is good and bad. You know me... I love being busy.
Anyway, I began to design my dorm room yesterday (!). I'm liking it a lot. It's nice to have a single, because everything will match and be perfect.


To give you a taste of ideas I'm having...

Isn't it exciting? I want it to be clean and crisp and refreshing. I'm probably going to replace whatever grody window shades they have in there too and maybe even put in my own little vanity table so I can get ready in the morning with very little time in the bathroom. I have a pretty large room to myself, so I'm excited to move in and see what creative things I do with it. I'll also have a huge collage of my friends and I was thinking of getting a huge window decal of a giraffe. I'm just having lots of fun right now. :)


I hope you all are having a marvelous summer. I know I am. I've been to the gym every single day in the past week, excluding Saturday because of our 12-hour long rehearsal. In that vain, I'm off to the gym very soon, but I'm not going to do as much cardio because I have a 2.5-hour long dance rehearsal for "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" which LET ME TELL YOU is a beast. It's the original Fosse choreography and it's cray-cray.


Anyway, 'fuh and I are off to the gym. I'll talk more when I get back/ expand my collage.
My college collage. ahahaha...
I'm not funny.

So I decided to blog... because sleep refuses to come at this hour.

One year ago, I began this blog. Exactly one year ago, I wrote this entry. I read it just now, and thinking about where I was one year ago baffles me. BAFFLES me. I had just finished junior year. I didn't know what I wanted to do college-wise, and now I'm going to UCLA. I was annoyed with people in my life, and now I'm grasping at my friendships and wishing we just had another year together. I was having boy troubles and typed a little invitation to dating that began a long and still-winding spiral with a guy that I'm now close to friendship-wise. I am over that guy I talked about in my post a year ago, and now we are great friends with zero awkwardness (in fact, I told him on the first day of senior year about my feelings for him... FULL CIRCLE).

But some things don't change. I was still excited for my bright future. I was still in love with my family like never before. I was still so thankful for my friends.

Summer is beginning right now. I had my first rehearsal for Sweet Charity today, came home exhausted, ate, dozed, and watched random episodes from random seasons of Will & Grace. Tomorrow, I see a dear dear DEAR friend I haven't seen in a long time over breakfast, memorize my Charity script, and probably go to the gym with Christina.

Today, I did have frustrations. Frustrations with myself, my body, my friends, etc. I did send a curt text message or two for immature reasons like yogurt. I was annoyed with people not wanting to be with me when I was feeling mildly vulnerable. But I came out of today with this:

If you ask for help, you might get it. If you don't ask, you won't.

So you, who received text messages about yogurt, I guess that was me asking for help in a really bad way. I was feeling weird today and I wanted to talk to you about it.

I guess I'll try to sleep again now.

"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.

Just walk beside me and be my friend."

- Albert Camus

The Breeze

Today was a great day. A very relaxing day.

Last night, I invited some friends over for an impromptu jacuzzi sesh... lit'rally texted a bunch of people and was like COME OVER IN TWO HOURS! KTHANKS!

It was so relaxing and fun. We swam in my newly remodeled/heated pool and made s'mores around the fire. We played catchphrase and talked and I got to spend time with lots of people that I enjoy. Then most people left and I convinced Molly to sleep over. She was having an off day before the shin-dig, and I knew that going home for her meant wallowing, so I wanted to help her avoid that at all costs. We stayed up late talking and reading my humorous Middle School Journals.

This morning, we woke up to my mother showing me the front of the Daily Breeze with my face on it! They wrote an article about my tumor and my pursuit of the performing arts. (Click here to see it)

It was a touching article - it made me feel so separated from it though. Seeing my life edited and said in the words of my interviewer was so... mindblowing. I guess it would be like reading a biography of yourself - you're reading someone else's interpretation of your life, and to me it felt like a story I was detached from. It was done tastefully and made me feel proud of my accomplishments, which is all I could've asked for.

I guess if you read this blog and don't know me personally, you wouldn't know about my tumor or anything from that point in my life at all. Basically, I had a cellular neurothekeoma in the left nostril. They tried to take it out once, it grew back. They finally took it out completely, but it had grown into my left cheek and nasal area. They took it out and put a piece of my ear in to fill in the missing cartilage. I then went through around 20 months of recovery from antibiotics, to pain killers galore, bandages, and many many stitches to a "broken smile" to sharp pains and touch-up surgeries to now. Basically, I'm done.

So that was my life pre-blog.

Hooray!

Anyway, after that article reading, we then slept more then made pancakes and watched Broadway.com interviews for like an hour. She left and I watched Nights of Cabiria - the movie that Sweet Charity was based off of. It was depressing. But great. Definitely will help me with the show process.

Then... THEN. Julianne called me. I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO MY BEST FRIEND IN A YEAR, so this call meant the world to me. It was incredible.

Now I'm off to sleep before my first Charity rehearsal tomorrow! Wish me luck! :)

I love my aunt.

She sent me this e-mail:

19 june 2010

dear caitlyn,

you’re graduating today! i am sending you love love love. i am sorry that i am not there, but please know that i am there in spirit. you’ll understand (maybe more than most) just what i am doing instead: i had tech yesterday for a new dance piece of mine and we open today at 3p. i’ll make sure to stop and think of you when i’m in the dressing room, dear one.

i’m proud of you. you have worked hard. and played hard. and shone. and you have a lot more shining to do. in all kinds of ways.

i look forward to the time i see you again and can hug you and smile into your eyes and say i love you!!! so you can hear it and feel it to your bones. because i do.

all my love,

your aunt christine

I still don't believe it, but these letters and good wishes make me happy that it's happening.

As We Go On...

We remember all the times we spent together.

Wow. Tomorrow I graduate from Chadwick. After all of these years of studying, more caffeine than is possibly healthy for a growing teenager, and so many hours spent sweating under the lights of Laverty, I get a little piece of paper that says three things to me:

1. You did it.
2. Get the f*ck out of here. Go do bigger and better things.
3. Make us proud.

I'm itching to start but worried to go. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat but scared I'll fall off. I'm touring the facility... and I'm picking up slack.

I'm ready for this. No I'm not. Yes I am.

Because Molly Would Probably Kill Me...

If I didn't blog at all while she was home, I'll write a little tonight.

I wanted to write some excerpts from my O.E. Journal. I made a list on my 3-day solo of the things I've learned/realized on this trip. It goes a little something like this:

May 31, 2010 - Solo DAY 2 (DAY 15)

• I am a strong leader.
• I'm independent.
• I love who I am.
• I can live with myself and only myself comfortably.
• I appreciate the beauty of nature.
• I appreciate the beauty of my normal life (life at home).
• I love my family.
• I love my friends.
• I love spending time alone.
• I want to be more decisive.
• I want to be more encouraging.
• I want to be braver.
• I want faith in myself.
• I know I want to pursue theatre.
• I know I made the right choice (UCLA).
• I am anxious to begin adulthood.
• I am nervous to leave childhood.
• I love my mom, dad, and sisters deeply.
• I can be controlling.
  
• I am physically strong.
• I fear a lack of control.
• I am emotionally mature and strong.
• I work well in a group.
• I feel confidence on stage.
• I am beautiful.
• I have many fears and weaknesses.
• I am relationship-oriented.
• I love to laugh.
• I have strong emotions that are easy to interpret.
• I love feeling sore after physical exercise.
• I love to talk and sing to myself (mostly sing).
• I love fresh fruit and crisp, fresh vegetables.
• I can push myself to success.
• I can be around only women for so long.
• I get frustrated easily.
• I don't talk about others enough (sorry - this is my blog - so here, being "all about me" won't change).
• I need to give more to my relationships.
  
• I need to trust others.
• My "vibes" (as Trapanties calls them) are usually correct in the long run.
• I get jealous VERY easily.
• I don't like insects. ESPECIALLY ones that bite.
• I love animals.
• I need to take more time to relish the beauty of just being alive.
• Everyone is inspirational and magnificent in their own way.
• Everyone has some aspect of "suck" in their life - everyone is dealing with their "thing."
• I drink too much coffee.
• I love being lazy.
• I hate being talked down to.
• I extremely dislike condescending people.
• I would like to be more cultured.

I also made a "bucket list." I guess I'll put that up here too.

June 1, 2010 - Solo DAY 3 (DAY 16)

• Perform in Broadway
• Live in France
• Spend time in South Africa
• Sing at Carnegie Hall
• Fall in Love
• Get Married
• Have and raise a girl
• Have and raise a boy
• Meet the President
• Fluency in French
• Learn a bit of Greek
• Read the paper enough to say I consistently read the paper
• Read the Bible... twice
• Fly an airplane/jet
• Bunjee Jump
• Perform on a Cruise Ship
• Work as a "Face Princess" at Disneyland
• Record a CD
• Write a book
• Write my own music
• Teach dance to children
• Tour the world performing
• Be in an original cast of a show
• Scuba Dive
• Swim with dolphins
• Work at Starbucks
• Be on a sitcom
• Be in a major movie
• Backpack through Europe
• Have a BEAUTIFUL wedding
• Publish photography of my own
• Become a member of AEA
• Write a love letter
• Receive a love letter
• Graduate College
• Attend a prestigious University
• Take in a stray animal
• Save someone's life
• Own every CD of a Band
• Meet Beyonce
• Have a child for someone else (a barren friend, a gay couple... etc.)
• Sing the National Anthem for a Major League Baseball team
• Sign an autograph for a stranger
• Be paid doing something I love
• Have sex on a beach
• Receive jewelry from a lover
• Write a song for someone
• Have a song written about me
• Ride an elephant
• Buy/Own Christian Louboutin Heels
• Go on an African Safari
• Take a Road Trip
• Slap a man across the face for a DAMN GOOD REASON
• Get de-virginized at Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Build my kids a tree house
• Have lots of pets in my family

If I think of more, I'll add them here.

But for now, Baccalaureate is tomorrow and I need my shut-eye!

Good NIGHT!

Woah.

So I was gone for three weeks.That meant I had about 15 episodes of TV to catch up on.

351 e-mails to read.

91 Facebook notifications.

87 cell phone notifications.

I have a lot to say. I'll probably type most of my journal entries in here, but I'd just like to say this:

Outdoor Ed was fantastic. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I've been in my life. I feel strong, powerful, and excited. I'm thrilled for my future. I'm appreciative of my life. I love taking in my surroundings. I love my family and frien

ds. I love myself.

But there will be a lot more later.

Also, I GOT THE ROLE OF CHARITY IN SWEET CHARITY at the Norris Center for the Performing Arts. I have until June 25th to memorize my script... which is a beast.

Here's a sneak peek of the P.R. shots I took today:

I love life.

I'm off for outdoor ed.

I don't really have much to say right now, except for that I'll probably have way too much to say when I get back...

crazy. my life is about to change.

I love my friends. Thanks, Justin. I actually felt so good after that like two second exchange that I am blogging about it. (The picture makes me happy. I look at this picture from our last day of school and start oozing with love.)

I can't tell you how excited I am that my outdoor ed trip leaves on Monday.

I am geared with everything from a neon orange sports bra to biodegradable soap.

I'm ready to get an overdose of Vitamin D and be surrounded by nature.

I'm ready to spend some time apart from some of my friends (not all of them) in order to let problems fade and let our missing each other bring us together.

I'm ready to spend four days alone in silence. I'll dream, sleep, eat, drink, stretch, dance, do yoga, relax, write, think, etc.

I'm ready to dream and detox myself from the unhealthy world of smog, pollution, chaos, and technology.
I'm ready to collaborate as an individual in one small group of people.

I'm ready to get a tan and to kickstart my summer workout routine.

I'm so ready to leave Monday, it's not even funny.

I realize my grammar and writing was

HORRENDOUS in that last post.

That's what happens when you mix Caitlyn + 2 A.M. + emotional music.

Maybe I'll correct it later.

I Wish I Could Be There, But I Can't

Okay, Molly. Here I am, blogging. At 1 in the morning.

I tried to sleep and it didn't work. I'm too... overwhelmed. and tired. and loving to give up on my blog. Mostly because of you, Malls-Balls.

Here goes. The beast you've been waiting for. (BUT There is some more I want to talk about later. My relationships with friends, guys, family, etc. But that's for a different post.)

Too many things have happened in the past three weeks. Three weeks ago, RENT closed. Here's what I remember: The feeling I had when I squeezed hands in the circle. I started to cry during the dinner before the show at Ruby's because of some bad news regarding some people in my past. I was a wreck. I broke down twice in an hour, once in front of my two closest friends. Then, right when the make-up had been reapplied, I had to step foot into the black box for our warm-up. We warmed up. We sang our "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh (bum buuumm)"s. Then we got into our circle. Oh... that circle. I grabbed Mark and Molly and went to the side facing the window. Full Circle: The same view I remember from my freshman year warm-up, when we sang "Odin" and songs in round. Back to reality: we started singing the first two notes of "Seasons of Love" and I lost it. Right there. I couldn't sing, and the sadness filled through me. I took off my shoes to get more grounded, because the sure flow of this emotion was so strong and powerful that I was losing balance. I watched through my eyes like looking through those strategically blurred windows in bathrooms with outdoor-facing windows. The last note rang through, and I looked around and saw more and more puddles below my castmates. Lena made her beautiful speech. I can't believe these seniors I worked with hadn't done this before - and thank God they did, but I'll go into that later in this post. After Lena, it was Ms. Nordlund introducing me. She not only introduced me - she talked about me. I thought I could hold it together for my speech, but I was wrong. When the woman that kept you from leaving the best possible high school for you, who took you under her wing and loved you no matter what, the woman who became a second mother through your thousands of hours as her student, actress, advisee, and friend, and the woman who "kind of changed your life (as I so eloquently explained in my final speech in the coming moments)" openly expresses her reflection of the same care and kinship that you've felt for years on your final night under her direction, you breakdown. And that's what I did. And that sucked, because I had a speech to say, which left my mind completely... empty. I just said what I felt. It worked. It was raw, and it wasn't planned, but hey, I made Josh Cohen shed a tear, so I'm good. :) But honestly, the emotions that rushed through me when I cried openly during our original "1, 2, 3, 4, 5.." + booty-shaking/pelvis-thrusting with Brian, or when I hugged Mark for the last time before the lights went up and he said "break the biggest leg ever" or something like that, or when I hugged Ms. Nordlund and she said she loved me, or when I sobbed openly onstage with Molly during "Your Eyes," will never be duplicated. That night was the culmination of everything I've felt with loss and love. And one thing I've learned about loss and love is that they often are realized at the same time.

I went to the cast party, I came home. From that moment on, when I shut my eyes to sleep, my emotions went haywire for the Sunday after. I woke up and was in a complete state of numbness when I was silent. Every few minutes, I would whimper. I couldn't speak without crying, and Molly was very worried about me. I know this probably makes me sound crazy dramatic, but that's exactly what happened. And yes, it scared me too.

I quickly decided to make my huge English project that was due the next day about my experience with Rent. I cried while making it, didn't really know how I would make my thesis fit it, but realized some pretty important things about my life through that project. Here are some parts of my explication:

With the closing of my last performance at Chadwick, [...] I understood and recognized old and new relationships I’d formed and felt a rite of passage as I made my senior speech and sat on the stage after the finale and started at the empty seats. I've realized how important art has become to me, and how it has the power to strengthen and forge relationships just through its processes.

I’ve always felt that part of my human experience has been largely centered on the need to create and advance, as well as the need to understand my relationships with others. The human need to create ultimately is what brought my cast mates and I to sudden uncontrolled tears that Saturday night. I knew that I wanted to create a project to finish the year that personally connected to me, but also examined an aspect of the human condition that I’ve been extremely impacted by, so I explored the process of creation and of art through my experiences with RENT and HAIR.

Theater to me is ultimately the culmination and combination of small snapshots – the most enthralling or blatantly uninteresting pieces of life. [...] When striving to achieve an artistic goal, individuals must bring their imagination and understanding of themselves to the forefront. I have a hard time thinking of a more personal and vulnerable form of art than drama because of its demand for personal expression and physical awareness. I believe that my cast came together over the common goal of putting on a spectacular show, but although we worked hard and bonded in the rehearsal setting, it was also outside of the dance and vocal studio that we became a family (or in the case of HAIR, a tribe). [...] It would be in those moments of rehearsal when we’d run the scene so many times it hurt, or when we’d see the other cry for the first time in rehearsal that we’d automatically create strong bonds. Looking into the eyes of your scene partner transforms you and them, because you can see through the truth or the lie and into the actual person you are acting with. Some may say that acting is one of the more “fake” or “twisted” perceptions of one’s personality, but I find that I learn much more about someone based on their acting. Then, offstage, we all come together to practice on our own, or brainstorm hilarious or exciting ideas we have about the show, or just sit and enjoy each other’s company.

Ultimately, I’ve determined that the process of being in a cast of a show is the strongest and fastest way to tie into human emotions and relationships. Automatically, you are encouraged to trust one another, and you do. You are encouraged to take responsibility for your “end” of the relationship, and you do. Then, what there is left, is to collaborate and create a piece of art you’d be proud and eager to share.

In the end, both of our performance results were wonderful. We had large crowds, standing ovations, and acclaim from our peers and teachers. But it was the process that was meaningful for us. Just the need to create propelled us into these very real, healthy, and powerful relationships that I don’t believe anything but art could’ve given us.

That was pretty horribly written, but the main product wasn't the writing, it was the movie I made... so we're good. Haha. So yes, I made this project. The next morning, I went into my advisor meeting with Ms. Nordlund. I did break down when I talked about leaving and RENT and everything that'd happened in the last 48 hours. We talked about my future and college. I was making that huge decision to reject Stanford. At that moment, I was still scared of it. Who says "No" to Stanford?

Me.

That decision was so consuming, but I went with my gut. I went with my instinct, as I usually do. My friends make fun of me for my indecisiveness. "Caitlyn if you can't pick what you want to eat for dinner, what are you doing trying to make a decision about college?"

It was all in my gut, and now I know I've made the right choice. I committed and immediately drove to UCLA and bought all of the gear I could. I now have a total of seven UCLA sweatshirts. Today a man stopped me and asked me if I was going to UCLA and complimented me on my "high GPA" that he assumed. Selfishly, the prestige of Stanford was a big deterrent on committing to UCLA for me, but after that moment, I realized how proud I am of where I am. I worked my ASS off to get here. I killed myself juggling my Chadwick academics with my pursuit of a time-consuming and competitive career... but here I am. At one of the top schools and programs in the country. I'm so ready.

After I'd committed to college, the senior sleepover happened. Wow. That night was magic. From our dance party in Roesslor, to the hilarious senior improv show, to the massage train with my new but exceedingly closer friends in the english room, to giggling with my already-close best friends in our massive mansion tent until three in the morning, to stealing cookies, to laughing uncontrollably, to passing out and having no serious classes all day, to crepes and coffee and reading the last Mainsheet, to talking with Ms. Stern in the wee hours of the morning about her life and other gossip, to sitting in a pile on a mattress in the english room, to feeling so much love for my class. It was an incredible and irreplaceable memory. That bled into the last day of school, which was bittersweet, but lovely. I don't think I've felt this close to my friends at Chadwick before. Like I said, love and loss at the same time. There are so many people I want to get to know immediately, but feel it'd be pointless. The seniors in RENT were amazing... to share that experience together was... perfection.

High school coming to a close makes time seem to stop. I don't know what day it is anymore. My life isn't based on assignments and events and rehearsals and meetings. I'm leaving on Outdoor Education in five days. I'm spending three weeks backpacking. I'm living completely in the moment for once. I'm not going to worry about the future negative possibilities of my actions. I'm going to hike to get somewhere, wear sunscreen not to burn, drink water to stay healthy, use moleskin to avoid blisters, smile because I'm happy, and eat when I'm hungry. There is nothing else I can do. I can think and sing and write and dream. That's it. I couldn't be more excited for that moment when I can lay out and sleep without having to get up to go anywhere on my solo.

All of these landmarks are passing me by. The Senior sleepover, last performance, last day of school, last final, and last form where I said "Chadwick" was my school was filled out. Baccalaureate is looming, the trip is right around the corner, my solo will mark my complete acceptance of myself, and graduation sits on the horizon in between my childhood and my real life. You know? Like when they said "this isn't what it's like in real life." WELL HELLO?!

"Real life" has arrived.

Or at least the transition into it is beginning.

To-Do List

What I need to talk about:

Rent Closing

Conversation with Nordlund

Committing to College

Senior Sleepover

English Project

Ending High School

Guys

Sweet Charity

Outdoor Ed

UCLA

Rite of Passage

I have an A.D.D. blog now: http://calfasinspired.tumblr.com/

This blog is for when I write and reflect. That one is for things that inspire me and other things I find on the grand interweb that I want to share with you. Both give you a slice of me. You decide which is more interesting.

Many things have happened in the last few days.

1. Rent ended, and I went into a state of semi-depression.
2. I performed in my last chorus concert and musical theatre show.
3. I committed to UCLA FOR MUSICAL THEATRE! It was the hardest decision of my life, but I know I made the right one.
4. Two of my best friends committed to Yale, so I'll get to visit them BOTH at the SAME TIME!
5. My senior sleepover. Is. Tonight. Surreal? I think yes.

I have some stuff to do before I leave in a few hours! Talk to you later.

It's Time Now, To Sing Out...

But the story ended.

I'll write about tonight when I'm not breaking down every five minutes.

English Reflection

I wanted to save the reflection for English class for when I was at home. I don't know why... but it felt better to me.

1. Who are you? (What are some of your traits? What are some of your beliefs? What makes you content or happy? What do you stand for? What won't you stand for? Where do all of these come from, specifically?

2. What has been your purpose, the meaning of your existence so far? Looking at what you wrote on the first page, what do you hope the purpose of your existence will be in the future?

I'm a 5'5" brunette with matching brown eyes that tend to change their hue depending on the light. Sometimes, they turn an odd red-brown that makes me feel like a demon when people notice it. Other times, they look hazel. My hair is a beast and is extremely difficult to manage properly. It is easily damaged, but that doesn't stop me from trying to tame it with anything I can. I'm often uncomfortable in my own skin, except for when I'm on stage. When I'm performing, even as myself, I feel more comfortable, which is unusual for most people. I tend to live with my heart more than my head and am a relationship-oriented person. I like talking to people. I like talking about myself. I believe that people are inherently similar in some way or another. I make sweeping generalizations and often feel myself being pulled into stereotypes and norms, but try to avoid them at all costs. I strongly believe in LGBTQ rights and human rights in general. I believe in the power of art. I believe in love. I believe in God and some form of an afterlife. I believe in Heaven, but I'm still not sure about Hell. I believe that my late grandpa is always there for me and often talk to him before I sleep. I pray. I get obsessive about things and music. I get caught up in completely useless situations and self-imposed drama to pass the time. I imagine my life through the eyes of my friends to see what they would do in situations. I can't verbalize the way I feel about some people (romantically or platonically). I get frustrated with friends when they're distant. I get jealous. I make to-do lists that never get done. I'm pretty forgetful. I'm also pretty organized, even though my room may look like chaos. I like bright rooms and natural light. I like being on stage. I like wearing character shoes and big t-shirts. I feel the most beautiful when I'm clean, in soffee shorts and a big t-shirt with no make-up and my hair in a loose ponytail. I'm content and happy. I am scared and nervous (especially for my performance tonight, which makes no sense because I'm never nervous before shows).

I want to write more, but my call time is soon and I need to get ready. I'll talk more later.

It's Been A Hard Day's Night

Wow. Sorry I haven't posted in like... 25,000 years. Well... here I go on today's rant.

I'm seventeen years old and am walking through the Chadwick gates as an alumni in less than two months. I am performing in my last opening night show in eight hours. I am writing my last English reflection in twenty minutes. I am ending classes in one week. I am going on an excursion in three.

I don't think I've been hit yet. I don't think I know what's to come. I'm still uncommitted to college -- still have yet to make the massive choice that will change the overall outcome of my life. I'm most likely going to be a Bruin, but we'll see. The Cardinal in me has yet to get its paws of my heart and I can't focus on the clear goals I've been dreaming of accomplishing for a decade now.

Tonight, I open RENT.

I will play Maureen: an oversexed, bisexual, diva-licious, fun-loving, ambitious performing artist. I will sing my songs and go through with my performance. I'll sing and belt and wear leather pants and flirt with three + people even though I have a girlfriend. I will cry, laugh, and get pissed off. I will sing the last note of Seasons of Love with tears streaming down my face on Saturday night. I will hold their hands so tight and refuse to leave the stage. I will break down in my senior speech on closing night. I will remember being one of the lone eighth graders four years ago when Ms. Nordlund (then Frank) arrived at Chadwick and changed my life. I don't think I'll try to hold it in like I tried last year. I think it'll pour onto the tiles of the Black Box. I'll see Mark look at me again like I'm a wreck. Like "Let the Sunshine: Part Two."

I don't think I've felt so connected to a show before.

When I found out that K-Dub was leaving, I broke down in this exact seat in this exact classroom during our free reading time. Then again on the stage after my last bows of the Dance Concert. Tonight I'll be upset again, but this time it might be more numb. It's the last time, and before I've always thought "nawww, we still have ________."

No, we have nothing. Nothing more. No more "White Dolphins" will I see hidden behind a post. No more hilarious reenactments of song lyrics backstage as my fellow thespians rip up the stage. No more dressing room dance parties or mic tape annoyances or tripping over lights while coming offstage or crossing behind the curtain or trying not to hit the cyc or wiping deodorant marks off of shirts or having gross sweaty hugs or holding hands with cast mates or sitting in circles eating delicious dinners or all-day rehearsals or making gross harmony for no reason or hearing ANYTHING and relating it to a lyric or line from a show or getting hair caught in your microphone or having to go braless because of costume restraints or being surprisingly less self-conscious on the stage or late night post-rehearsal pinkberry runs with friends you have no time to get to know the way you want to or warming up ridiculously high and low or singing in the staircase and being too loud or having opportunities to interact with people you never knew or eating it offstage and discovering 10+ bruises a few days later or making once-clean lyrics obscene and dirty or singing your thoughts or just sitting backstage and taking it in or washing your costumes after the run of the show and realizing how DISGUSTING they are or mic checks with ridiculous songs or audiences so moved you want to hug them or devoted parents who watch your every performance or being known as the theater kid or talking about Jack Sage or trying to do homework when you get home at night but actually just talk to friends from the show because even though you were with them for seven hours straight, you can't get enough of them. Or blog about this all instead of focus in class because even when you aren't on the stage or in Laverty, it's the only thing that you can think about.

I'll miss it... maybe a little too much.

Maureen

Hey Ya'll!

I'm in rehearsal for RENT right now. Because Maureen is basically not in the first act, I have lots of down time right now.

I think I'm coming close to making a decision, but I'll talk about that more later. Right now, I'm going to talk about my character in RENT to figure it out.

I think that Maureen in many ways the opposite of what I aspire to be, and in many ways is exactly who I want to be right now. Like me, she's vulnerable during the time of the play. She's just changed her sexual identity (or has just discovered it, or is confused) and (like Molly so brilliantly explained) is having a clashing relationship with Joanne, who is just as controlling and competitive as Maureen. Maureen loves the spotlight; she loves being the center of attention, and Mark would give in and come back to her no matter what she did. She's learned to find love and affection with superficial relationships and attention for "fun." Like basically every other character in the show, she's in a vulnerable and awkward change in her life, so it's easier for her to flirt and cover it up. Joanne is who she'll always love, but she doesn't understand how to give to a relationship in the same way someone will give to her. She's selfish in that way.

When Angel dies, she becomes suddenly aware of the importance of her relationship with Joanne... she doesn't know what she would do if she were to go.

More later.

Decisions Part 1

Hey guys!

Sorry I haven't written in a while - I've been in a crazy state of mind. I'm on the plane ride home from Stanford. It was the last time I'll be up there before my decision, which is a little nerve-racking. When I get off the plane, we're going to UCLA to visit. I'm having lunch with Rachel Lee (a senior is the MT program) and later, coffee with Hunter Bird (a sophomore and close Norris friend of mine).

I've started and added and added and added to my pro/con list. I'm going to everyone I know for advice: my parents, my teachers, my theater teachers, students, etc. It's a weird feeling to know that I'm leaving in a few months. It's also weird that these monumental senior experiences are drawing to a close...

My last musical at Chadwick closes in two weeks.

My last dance concert closes in a week.

My last chorus concert is in three weeks.

My last day of school is in three weeks.

My senior trip leaves in a month.

My senior sleepover, the thing I've been waiting for for seven years, is flying towards me.

AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHAT SCHOOL SWEATSHIRT I'M GOING TO BE WEARING AND WHAT WINDOW DECAL WILL BE JOYFULLY PLACED ON THE TINY BACK WINDOW OF THE MINI?!

I'm currently listening to the Sweet Charity soundtrack. I'm auditioning in about a month for two dream roles in a show with amazing numbers and great dance opportunities. Not only that, but I'll get to update my theater bio:

Caitlyn Calfas – Caitlyn graduated from Chadwick School in June and will begin studying (Musical Theatre/Drama) at (UCLA's Roy Boldger Musical Theatre Program/Stanford University) in the fall, and could not think of a better way to spend her last summer "home" than with her Norris family. She has participated in over 40 productions in the South Bay area and couldn't be more excited for her future in theatre. Some of her favorite memories in theater include Rent (Maureen), Hair (Sheila), Charlie Brown (Sally), Irene (Irene), Working (Delores), A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Helena), Bugsy Malone (Tallulah), and Seussical (Bird Girl). She has also performed for five consecutive years in the annual Rising Stars benefit here at the Norris. Caitlyn has previously trained at Carnegie Mellon University, North Carolina School of the Arts, and UCLA. She deeply thanks John and Alexis for their wisdom and passion, Debbie, Renee, and her entire Norris family for these past six years, and her family and friends for always supporting her in everything she does.

Thanks for giving me the time to write that out! One job accomplished. I never find time to update my bio...

I'll write more later, but have a good day/night/weekend!

Mollytime

I'm studying with Molly.

I'll talk more later.

Hello.

My name is Caitlyn Calfas and I am in love with Stanford University.

One of the more memorable moments of my long day here at Stanford was my admissions counselor (a.k.a. the guy who admitted me) recognizing me and remembering my application. I feel so WELCOME. The campus is beautiful, the people are relaxed and happy, there is lots of pride, the weather is great (I mean, it was chilly today, but if this is "bad weather," I'm set), and the drama building and department looks awesome. I could imagine myself walking around (or should I say, biking around) and enjoying my classmates.

So do you think you've made a decision? No. Not at all. Now that I know something more about the school, I'm ready to begin really thinking about my pros and cons list and what I have going for me in both places.

And yes, Christina. We do creep a little too much.

More to come later. :)

Mark & Christina

Are beasts.

CONGRATULATIONS TO TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS FOR EVERYTHING. YOU BOTH DESERVE IT SO MUCH.

I'm leaving for Stanford in twenty minutes.

This could possibly be the best day ever!

Bright Eyed

Good Morning World.

I'm again sorry for ranting about the hot mess that is my life right now.

It was a whole bunch of ...

Today, I will again try to talk about gummy bears and fluffy puppies (not that whiny kittens aren't cute... and hilarious). My sister(s?) attacked my bathroom with toilet paper and ugly pictures of Jennifer and myself. I woke up around 11, rolled out of bed, opened the door and BAM! T.P. in my face. It was cute... I guess.

April Fools is one of those "holidays" I never get... I mean, I can always play pranks on people. I've taken the GLORY for many known pranks such as the evil, convoluted plot against Justin a few months ago. But, pranks always have a downfall. No matter how hilarious or cruel, there's always going to be a negative side effect to your coldhearted-ness (good English usage, Caitlyn). For me, it was practically losing my best friend for a few months. Maybe I shouldn't prank again?

But I get it. April Fools is a day made so people can give into their evil, beastly desires and say or do that ONE THING that they've always wanted to. You always have the excuse of "oh... april fools!" I mean, that's how one of my boyfriends threw it out there that he wanted to break up....

Him: I've been thinking... we need to talk.

Me: Umm... okay?

Him: I don't think this is working out.

Me:.........What?

Him: I just don't really feel it any more.

Me: Wow... are you breaking up with me?

Him: ........APRIL FOOLS! Heh...heh...heeeeh....

Sure enough, two days later... I got a phone call and things were actually over. CUTE!

OH! and I've had those moments when you want to tell the guy friend you like that you've liked him foreeeevaaahhh. Testing the waters is always okay on April Fools Day!

You: Hey, (Name). I've been thinking a lot and

I think I just need to be hoonesssttt witchu.

Him: Yeah? Afterwards we can go (insert "friendly" activity)

You: Ummm... okay. But I think I like you.

Him: *cold, deep, gut-wrenching silence*

You: ........APRIL FOOLS! Heh...heh...heeeeh...

You know what? I take it back. I like April Fools. It gives me a way out... an opportunity that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

Alrighty, that's my two cents on this subject. I'm off to pack for STANFORD and maybe do some shopping before my flight tonight. Have an amazing day... I mean when you wake up to SNOW-LOOKING ICE ON THE GROUND in LOS ANGELES... what isn't there to love?

Sasstime 1.0

Situation: Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Then likes different guy. More complications intertwined. (This description used to be more specific, but I want to save SOME of my life for privacy...)

Now, I feel like my heart is being thrown around on that huge HAIR parachute and that at any moment it will smack some guy in the face and things might be okay. Not to mention that hilarious little fact that my best friend that I could always go to about this is M.I.A. for understandable reasons. I'm leaning on my girlfriends so much right now, which feels unsafe for me because of my past experiences with girlfriends. Yes, it's been three years. Yes, I should be over it... and I am, but I'm basically as cautious as possible now. Speaking of that situation, shout out to Austen's recent post, because I get you. I too get that annoying jealous/angry/"am I UNWORTHY OF YOUR LOVE?!" feeling when that stuff happens.

I'm sure to you or whoever you are, that so beautifully explained "situation" isn't a big deal. It really isn't... in the grand drama spectacle that seems to be my life, but it feels like a big thing when mounted on the 525,600 (shoot me) other things I need to be focusing on... when it really is the one thing I want to focus on. I have only a month or two left with these people... what am I going to do?

Sorry for the rant. Mark always says I shouldn't apologize for going off like this, but I feel the need to. You were probably expecting a very bubbly "LIFE IS GRAND" post that will make you barf rainbows of joy, but sadly, that is not how this one feels right now. On the brightside, you can see a not-so-perfect side to that SPRING BREAK IS LIKE... THE BEST TIME EEVAAAHHH façade I tricked you with. JK... I was happy as a clam until like... two days ago... :o)

Although, I did buy some new clothes today and danced for three hours... which was much needed and much enjoyed.

I'm off to Stanford tomorrow, and couldn't be more excited...

I'm nervous I'll fall head over heels in love with it...

Good. Night.

A Couple of Things

1. I'm going to start making profiles of my close friends soon at the end of my blogs.

2. I'm about to start watching Dawson's Creek.

3. I want a boyfriend. Now. And by boyfriend, I mean I want a specific person that I can't have as my boyfriend. Doesn't that always suck?!

4. Yes, I'm still freaking out over Stanford versus UCLA.

5. I had a fantastic vegetarian lunch with Erik and Tamer today that was DELISH.

6. My room and bathroom are completely cleaned out. Now to redecorate.

Goodnight, my loves. Sorry this is so short, but I want to watch the pilot of Dawson's Creek before I go to sleep.

OH also, I discovered this amazing wedding photo site that makes me cry with joy and jealousy...

Au Revoir, Mes Amis.

Spring Cleaning

I feel like I've been Spring Cleaning for ages now - and I mean cleaning EVERYTHING - but I can't seem to get that sparkling shine I want. There is so much still to do, even though my life has almost been planned out for the next four years. But before we go into the abyss that is my life and college and everything having to do with it, I'll give a brief (as brief as I can make it) recap of this past weekend.

Friday, I cleaned my room. I glanced at the computer to change the song on my iTunes playlist. An e-mail popped up. I cried of joy and basked in the glow of my Stanford acceptance e-mail. I went crazy and went to TJ Maxx with Cameron and Christina to celebrate my room being organized and my life being amazing. I then came home and got ready for Brian's kickback. I won't go into detail here, but I was extremely happy with that night. It was the ideal "spring break" Friday, and I fell asleep on a couch and woke up to a beautiful view of the Palos Verdes coastline.

Saturday, I woke up from a surprisingly good nights sleep and left Brian's. I gawked the view from P.V. Drive West and felt a major "pang of leaving." I got home, took a refreshing shower, and headed out the door for an adventurous and classy afternoon with my best lady friends. Yes, we shmoozed around San Pedro in dresses and skirts and other overtly girly things. Yes, we went to an old, cute "Corner Store." And Yes, we had a classy picnic lunch overlooking the sparkling ocean. I then went home, basked again in the glow of my acceptances, but had an anxious pain in my gut (the first of many): What am I going to do? Bruin or Cardinal? Cardinal or Bruin? I called up Mark and we made plans to see my lovely Tamer in his play in West Hollywood -- HARAM IRAN. We stopped by Urban Outfitters on our way to "WeHo," and talked on the way about college and life. We found parking and ate a delicious meal at a random Cafe that I must go back to. Kobe Sliders and Lobster-Shikate Mushroom Mac and Cheese. It was delicious. We saw Tamer's show, which was brilliant and extremely uplifting (hah. sarcasm) and then drove home. That talk on the drive home was probably one of the best friendship moments I've had with Mark. He's helped me a lot, but in this long talk, I realized how valuable my friendship is with him. Sucks we'll be thousands of miles apart in a few short months.

Sunday, I woke up late and had lunch with Benno. It was so great to catch-up with him, and so surprisingly easy. Talking to him about Stanford made that feeling in my gut come back - the "what am I going to do..."- the fear of the wrong decision, but the knowledge that no matter what I do, I'll have the time of my life. The worst best feeling I've ever had... I then went home and napped and had dinner with Andrew, who I hadn't seen since my birthday party in August. We talked about life, Interlochen, everything that's happened with my auditions and schools. Craziness. I then went home and scoured the Stanford website for hours on end while video chatting with Molly while she was in New York touring colleges. I can't believe it was only a year ago that I was in her position... it feels like decades have past, but at the same time, my life has flown by... I can't believe it.

Today, I again woke up late and went to the beach with my sister. There we saw Brian, Austen, and Maddie Lawrence, which was fun. We relaxed under the sun for a while (I have the slight tan and slight sunburn to prove it) and then went to Chipotle and Yogurtland for some good healthy eating... lies. I got home, ate quickly, and suddenly felt so tired and over-stressed that I sat in a daze for a couple of hours. I filled out a housing form for UCLA, and tried to navigate myself around the website. I sent Hunter dozens of questions. I sat there thinking that I will never be able to decide... never. I got on video chat with Molly and then Mark (who got into three AMAZING schools today... YAYYY) while cleaning my room up.

Tomorrow, I have plans to get some awesome paintings at decorations at Urban Outfitters and then go to dinner with my classiest love, Erik in Riviera Village. I also have plans to get that much closer to making my decision. I'm going up to Stanford on Thursday to tour the school for the first time.

This feeling is something I've never felt before - it's pure thrill and pure anxiety. UCLA is basically where I've wanted to go all of my life. I've been born and raised a Bruin. I grew up at Bruin Woods. I went to three camps and worked in the theater spaces. I gloated when we finally beat S.C. that one time in football. My parents met there. I've been wishing to go to UCLA for years now and I finally got into the school with a major and degree program in my passion-- then *pop* I MIRACULOUSLY get into the fourth best school in the nation (I'm still in shock) and everyone around me at school assumes it's the place I'll go. I know UCLA like no one's business, but I never took the time to get to know a school I had no chance of getting into, so I'm now rushing to understand and get to know this mystery Dream School that had never been put into the formula because of it's completely impossible status in my mind.

I'd have THE ideal college experience at both schools. I'd have impeccable opportunities. I'd get an amazing B.A. education from incredible universities. There is nothing I don't love about either. What am I going to do? Make pro/con lists? Yeah... I guess that could work. But there is still that pull between the best school on the west coast and the Bruin-bred spirit... and for every person, there's a different opinion.

OH, COLLEGE GODS!

WHY MUST THIS

HUGE DECISION

BE GIVEN TO

THE MOST INDECISIVE PERSON IN THE WORLD?

STANFORD?!

I JUST GOT INTO STANFORD?

I think I'm going to throw up.

Cleaning Room Update

I will post pictures of the beauty later, but so far I've basically finished going through my shit...

Now it's to clean it up and make it pretty again.

1. Re-organize and sort through my shelves of keepsakes in a pretty, classy fashion
2. Stow away my old scripts
3. Get a new jewelry box
4. Figure out what to do with this now empty space
5. Take down the bulletin board by the door
6. Think of fresh ways to arrange the furniture

Hmm... lots to do, but I'm very close! :D

Classy Classy Class

I am on a high and felt like posting right now. I just got home from a classy lunch with my favorite XTina. We gossiped, laughed, and just relaxed. It was amazing. I'm wearing new wedges I'm in love with, my room is close to clean, and I'm on a college acceptance streak... It's incredible... I feel like I don't deserve this much awesome.

I also have the coolest mom in the world, but I won't elaborate here. She's just amazing.

Okay, I'm off to clean my room on this HIGH.OF.LIFE. and then going to the THEEEE-AAA-TAAHHH to see my Norris peeps in a modern version of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

PEACE&BLESSINGS

Another Great Day

Wow. I'm shocked to say that this has been an incredible Spring Break so far... and I've barely begun!

Today, I got into the USC School of Theatre and Boston College (win!). That gives me five schools so far! FIVE! How exciting! I woke up and went shopping with my mom and sister at Target after a lunch at Yellow Vase. Then, I came home and quickly changed into my beach gear to hang out with Mark in Hermosa Beach. We just relaxed on our towels on the sand and talked... but then it got FREEZING cold and we booked it to a Starbucks to warm up. We called Justin, Molly, and Jason to meet us up for dinner. I then zoomed to an awesome tap class with Jon Engstrom, returned home, and speed-cleaned up my room before going to Mark's house to play a little Trivial Pursuit with the dinner peeps. After the game, we contemplated sleeping over, but because Molly wasn't, I decided not to. We then sat in the jacuzzi for literally two hours prune-ing and talking about everything and anything. It was great. I love these people so much... it's going to be tough to leave them next year.

One of the things I said about myself that I would change in our little chat was that I'm too emotionally attached to people... which is true. I'm generally extremely relationship-oriented, which can be good and bad. The pros are that it makes me get close to people quickly, allows me to make lasting and meaningful relationships, and gives me a good foundation of friends I can truly rely on. The cons are that I get emotionally attached to people who can't reciprocate it, which is tough, that I have a hard time letting go of relationship-related issues, and that I miss people too much when they're absent. I feel like things that are supposed to happen with people and relationships are extremely monumental to me... like sex, for example (I won't go into my detailed feelings about this here).

Right now, I'm reconnecting (and newly (?) connecting) on a closer level to a lot of people extremely quickly, and I really like it, but I know it's going to make it that much harder when suddenly I can't see them for months at a time...

With that I should probably sleep. My goal for getting my room completely done by five hours ago obviously failed miserably. Tomorrow, I plan to hang out with people, clean my room completely, and ride my horses.

Goodnight!

"This is my street, I smile at the faces I've known all my life [and] they regard me with pride."

- In The Heights

(ugh... two references in three entries... sorry for the "musical theatre kid" moment)