Anyway, I've some really good conversations with some close friends recently. One is struggling with acceptance and tolerance of others as they get comfortable with a part of him or herself he or she semi-recently discovered, and the other is trying to understand himself and his emotional complexities.
I'd like to think I know myself pretty well. I think I do. I'm always told I seem sure of myself, which can be good and bad. Sometimes I appear intimidating or too serious, but I've figured out that I carry myself in a way that makes me feel strong. Since my dad's brain tumor ordeal in eighth grade, I've developed this newfound sense of myself that requires me to be responsible for others around me and makes me feel that I have to get EVERYTHING done. It's something hard to deal with. I can't relax.
Anyway, as I was talking to my friends, I tried as hard as I could to say the right things and help them with their confusion and frustration, and I realized that I have yet to confront frustrations and confusions I am still hiding. I remember with "emotionally-challenged" friend, we talked about not having time to deal with personal issues, and therefore leaving them to the side and masking their effects.... to be dealt with at a more convenient time. I've realized that the only thing this avoidance does is amplify the negative effects.
So, I'm going to deal with them now. I'm going to try to at least. I want my experience at CMU to be fresh and focused, not bogged down with my junior year troubles that I originally thought had vanished after stepping out of my AP Biology final presentations.
Here goes.
1. I for some reason have stopped caring to be associated with certain acquaintances. Close and superficial "friends" alike, I get annoyed easily and turned-off easier. I want to fix it, because I genuinely care for these people, but I often feel embarrassed... or like I'm equating myself with "lesser" people. It's a dumb and mean feeling, and I hate it, but I'm not quite sure what to do. I wish the feeling would just vanish. I wish I could be the good person who likes people for who they are and not what they make me look like. That's what I want to be. That's one of my goals. But for right now, I think a summer away from them will help me evaluate the situations. Sometimes separation is what actually shows the truth in friendships.
2. I love my family and wish I could be with them more. I wont see my sisters for seven weeks, and it kills me inside. On the outside, we look like we just joke around and have a sarcastic love for each other, but I've realized recently how much my family means to me and how much I need them. I want to be with them a lot more, and only have one more year home to do it. I wish I had realized this sooner.
3. It kills me a little when a guy doesn't like me back. It's happened SO MANY times. I get all middle-school girl-esque and start acting retarded or really quiet around someone that interests me and it turns out to fail majorly. I want so badly to be accepted by "that guy" that I act differently around them. I mean, I think every girl does this, but I get tempted to change to a pretty major extent. Recently, I tried to change a part of me that I consider to be good for a guy. The situation was hard for me and I decided in the end to not pretend because I'm not comfortable with it (pretending, that is). Maybe I could have gotten him by being fake... but think about it, would it have been worth it? If right now I were with him, would it be a healthy situation for me? Probably not.
So I guess it was bittersweet. I forced myself to go back to the "just friends" stage, which is still awesome. He's a great person, great friend, and a lot of fun to be with (and I'm going to miss him so much next year), but now I can sit with my complete self and find someone who would be completely comfortable with that. Good stuff all around. That's what it's about, babe.
But really though... I need a date now. I'm getting somewhat lonely. I have my super close guy friends like Cameron, Mark, Justin, Brian, etc., but (no offense guys) they don't fill the boy-toy-void (ahaha... such a bad way to say that). I need something with no strings attached. Something fun. It is summer, after all.
I had more things to talk about, but I'm forgetting them at the moment.
More later if I think about it. :)
Love always,
Caitlyn
PS. I love long, intense, personal conversations. If I know you, let's have a good one.
