Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while... I'm in the full swing of Charity rehearsals and have little time to just relax, which is good and bad. You know me... I love being busy.
Anyway, I began to design my dorm room yesterday (!). I'm liking it a lot. It's nice to have a single, because everything will match and be perfect.


To give you a taste of ideas I'm having...

Isn't it exciting? I want it to be clean and crisp and refreshing. I'm probably going to replace whatever grody window shades they have in there too and maybe even put in my own little vanity table so I can get ready in the morning with very little time in the bathroom. I have a pretty large room to myself, so I'm excited to move in and see what creative things I do with it. I'll also have a huge collage of my friends and I was thinking of getting a huge window decal of a giraffe. I'm just having lots of fun right now. :)


I hope you all are having a marvelous summer. I know I am. I've been to the gym every single day in the past week, excluding Saturday because of our 12-hour long rehearsal. In that vain, I'm off to the gym very soon, but I'm not going to do as much cardio because I have a 2.5-hour long dance rehearsal for "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" which LET ME TELL YOU is a beast. It's the original Fosse choreography and it's cray-cray.


Anyway, 'fuh and I are off to the gym. I'll talk more when I get back/ expand my collage.
My college collage. ahahaha...
I'm not funny.

So I decided to blog... because sleep refuses to come at this hour.

One year ago, I began this blog. Exactly one year ago, I wrote this entry. I read it just now, and thinking about where I was one year ago baffles me. BAFFLES me. I had just finished junior year. I didn't know what I wanted to do college-wise, and now I'm going to UCLA. I was annoyed with people in my life, and now I'm grasping at my friendships and wishing we just had another year together. I was having boy troubles and typed a little invitation to dating that began a long and still-winding spiral with a guy that I'm now close to friendship-wise. I am over that guy I talked about in my post a year ago, and now we are great friends with zero awkwardness (in fact, I told him on the first day of senior year about my feelings for him... FULL CIRCLE).

But some things don't change. I was still excited for my bright future. I was still in love with my family like never before. I was still so thankful for my friends.

Summer is beginning right now. I had my first rehearsal for Sweet Charity today, came home exhausted, ate, dozed, and watched random episodes from random seasons of Will & Grace. Tomorrow, I see a dear dear DEAR friend I haven't seen in a long time over breakfast, memorize my Charity script, and probably go to the gym with Christina.

Today, I did have frustrations. Frustrations with myself, my body, my friends, etc. I did send a curt text message or two for immature reasons like yogurt. I was annoyed with people not wanting to be with me when I was feeling mildly vulnerable. But I came out of today with this:

If you ask for help, you might get it. If you don't ask, you won't.

So you, who received text messages about yogurt, I guess that was me asking for help in a really bad way. I was feeling weird today and I wanted to talk to you about it.

I guess I'll try to sleep again now.

"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.

Just walk beside me and be my friend."

- Albert Camus

The Breeze

Today was a great day. A very relaxing day.

Last night, I invited some friends over for an impromptu jacuzzi sesh... lit'rally texted a bunch of people and was like COME OVER IN TWO HOURS! KTHANKS!

It was so relaxing and fun. We swam in my newly remodeled/heated pool and made s'mores around the fire. We played catchphrase and talked and I got to spend time with lots of people that I enjoy. Then most people left and I convinced Molly to sleep over. She was having an off day before the shin-dig, and I knew that going home for her meant wallowing, so I wanted to help her avoid that at all costs. We stayed up late talking and reading my humorous Middle School Journals.

This morning, we woke up to my mother showing me the front of the Daily Breeze with my face on it! They wrote an article about my tumor and my pursuit of the performing arts. (Click here to see it)

It was a touching article - it made me feel so separated from it though. Seeing my life edited and said in the words of my interviewer was so... mindblowing. I guess it would be like reading a biography of yourself - you're reading someone else's interpretation of your life, and to me it felt like a story I was detached from. It was done tastefully and made me feel proud of my accomplishments, which is all I could've asked for.

I guess if you read this blog and don't know me personally, you wouldn't know about my tumor or anything from that point in my life at all. Basically, I had a cellular neurothekeoma in the left nostril. They tried to take it out once, it grew back. They finally took it out completely, but it had grown into my left cheek and nasal area. They took it out and put a piece of my ear in to fill in the missing cartilage. I then went through around 20 months of recovery from antibiotics, to pain killers galore, bandages, and many many stitches to a "broken smile" to sharp pains and touch-up surgeries to now. Basically, I'm done.

So that was my life pre-blog.

Hooray!

Anyway, after that article reading, we then slept more then made pancakes and watched Broadway.com interviews for like an hour. She left and I watched Nights of Cabiria - the movie that Sweet Charity was based off of. It was depressing. But great. Definitely will help me with the show process.

Then... THEN. Julianne called me. I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO MY BEST FRIEND IN A YEAR, so this call meant the world to me. It was incredible.

Now I'm off to sleep before my first Charity rehearsal tomorrow! Wish me luck! :)

I love my aunt.

She sent me this e-mail:

19 june 2010

dear caitlyn,

you’re graduating today! i am sending you love love love. i am sorry that i am not there, but please know that i am there in spirit. you’ll understand (maybe more than most) just what i am doing instead: i had tech yesterday for a new dance piece of mine and we open today at 3p. i’ll make sure to stop and think of you when i’m in the dressing room, dear one.

i’m proud of you. you have worked hard. and played hard. and shone. and you have a lot more shining to do. in all kinds of ways.

i look forward to the time i see you again and can hug you and smile into your eyes and say i love you!!! so you can hear it and feel it to your bones. because i do.

all my love,

your aunt christine

I still don't believe it, but these letters and good wishes make me happy that it's happening.

As We Go On...

We remember all the times we spent together.

Wow. Tomorrow I graduate from Chadwick. After all of these years of studying, more caffeine than is possibly healthy for a growing teenager, and so many hours spent sweating under the lights of Laverty, I get a little piece of paper that says three things to me:

1. You did it.
2. Get the f*ck out of here. Go do bigger and better things.
3. Make us proud.

I'm itching to start but worried to go. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat but scared I'll fall off. I'm touring the facility... and I'm picking up slack.

I'm ready for this. No I'm not. Yes I am.

Because Molly Would Probably Kill Me...

If I didn't blog at all while she was home, I'll write a little tonight.

I wanted to write some excerpts from my O.E. Journal. I made a list on my 3-day solo of the things I've learned/realized on this trip. It goes a little something like this:

May 31, 2010 - Solo DAY 2 (DAY 15)

• I am a strong leader.
• I'm independent.
• I love who I am.
• I can live with myself and only myself comfortably.
• I appreciate the beauty of nature.
• I appreciate the beauty of my normal life (life at home).
• I love my family.
• I love my friends.
• I love spending time alone.
• I want to be more decisive.
• I want to be more encouraging.
• I want to be braver.
• I want faith in myself.
• I know I want to pursue theatre.
• I know I made the right choice (UCLA).
• I am anxious to begin adulthood.
• I am nervous to leave childhood.
• I love my mom, dad, and sisters deeply.
• I can be controlling.
  
• I am physically strong.
• I fear a lack of control.
• I am emotionally mature and strong.
• I work well in a group.
• I feel confidence on stage.
• I am beautiful.
• I have many fears and weaknesses.
• I am relationship-oriented.
• I love to laugh.
• I have strong emotions that are easy to interpret.
• I love feeling sore after physical exercise.
• I love to talk and sing to myself (mostly sing).
• I love fresh fruit and crisp, fresh vegetables.
• I can push myself to success.
• I can be around only women for so long.
• I get frustrated easily.
• I don't talk about others enough (sorry - this is my blog - so here, being "all about me" won't change).
• I need to give more to my relationships.
  
• I need to trust others.
• My "vibes" (as Trapanties calls them) are usually correct in the long run.
• I get jealous VERY easily.
• I don't like insects. ESPECIALLY ones that bite.
• I love animals.
• I need to take more time to relish the beauty of just being alive.
• Everyone is inspirational and magnificent in their own way.
• Everyone has some aspect of "suck" in their life - everyone is dealing with their "thing."
• I drink too much coffee.
• I love being lazy.
• I hate being talked down to.
• I extremely dislike condescending people.
• I would like to be more cultured.

I also made a "bucket list." I guess I'll put that up here too.

June 1, 2010 - Solo DAY 3 (DAY 16)

• Perform in Broadway
• Live in France
• Spend time in South Africa
• Sing at Carnegie Hall
• Fall in Love
• Get Married
• Have and raise a girl
• Have and raise a boy
• Meet the President
• Fluency in French
• Learn a bit of Greek
• Read the paper enough to say I consistently read the paper
• Read the Bible... twice
• Fly an airplane/jet
• Bunjee Jump
• Perform on a Cruise Ship
• Work as a "Face Princess" at Disneyland
• Record a CD
• Write a book
• Write my own music
• Teach dance to children
• Tour the world performing
• Be in an original cast of a show
• Scuba Dive
• Swim with dolphins
• Work at Starbucks
• Be on a sitcom
• Be in a major movie
• Backpack through Europe
• Have a BEAUTIFUL wedding
• Publish photography of my own
• Become a member of AEA
• Write a love letter
• Receive a love letter
• Graduate College
• Attend a prestigious University
• Take in a stray animal
• Save someone's life
• Own every CD of a Band
• Meet Beyonce
• Have a child for someone else (a barren friend, a gay couple... etc.)
• Sing the National Anthem for a Major League Baseball team
• Sign an autograph for a stranger
• Be paid doing something I love
• Have sex on a beach
• Receive jewelry from a lover
• Write a song for someone
• Have a song written about me
• Ride an elephant
• Buy/Own Christian Louboutin Heels
• Go on an African Safari
• Take a Road Trip
• Slap a man across the face for a DAMN GOOD REASON
• Get de-virginized at Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Build my kids a tree house
• Have lots of pets in my family

If I think of more, I'll add them here.

But for now, Baccalaureate is tomorrow and I need my shut-eye!

Good NIGHT!

Woah.

So I was gone for three weeks.That meant I had about 15 episodes of TV to catch up on.

351 e-mails to read.

91 Facebook notifications.

87 cell phone notifications.

I have a lot to say. I'll probably type most of my journal entries in here, but I'd just like to say this:

Outdoor Ed was fantastic. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I've been in my life. I feel strong, powerful, and excited. I'm thrilled for my future. I'm appreciative of my life. I love taking in my surroundings. I love my family and frien

ds. I love myself.

But there will be a lot more later.

Also, I GOT THE ROLE OF CHARITY IN SWEET CHARITY at the Norris Center for the Performing Arts. I have until June 25th to memorize my script... which is a beast.

Here's a sneak peek of the P.R. shots I took today:

I love life.