A Couple of Things

1. I'm going to start making profiles of my close friends soon at the end of my blogs.

2. I'm about to start watching Dawson's Creek.

3. I want a boyfriend. Now. And by boyfriend, I mean I want a specific person that I can't have as my boyfriend. Doesn't that always suck?!

4. Yes, I'm still freaking out over Stanford versus UCLA.

5. I had a fantastic vegetarian lunch with Erik and Tamer today that was DELISH.

6. My room and bathroom are completely cleaned out. Now to redecorate.

Goodnight, my loves. Sorry this is so short, but I want to watch the pilot of Dawson's Creek before I go to sleep.

OH also, I discovered this amazing wedding photo site that makes me cry with joy and jealousy...

Au Revoir, Mes Amis.

Spring Cleaning

I feel like I've been Spring Cleaning for ages now - and I mean cleaning EVERYTHING - but I can't seem to get that sparkling shine I want. There is so much still to do, even though my life has almost been planned out for the next four years. But before we go into the abyss that is my life and college and everything having to do with it, I'll give a brief (as brief as I can make it) recap of this past weekend.

Friday, I cleaned my room. I glanced at the computer to change the song on my iTunes playlist. An e-mail popped up. I cried of joy and basked in the glow of my Stanford acceptance e-mail. I went crazy and went to TJ Maxx with Cameron and Christina to celebrate my room being organized and my life being amazing. I then came home and got ready for Brian's kickback. I won't go into detail here, but I was extremely happy with that night. It was the ideal "spring break" Friday, and I fell asleep on a couch and woke up to a beautiful view of the Palos Verdes coastline.

Saturday, I woke up from a surprisingly good nights sleep and left Brian's. I gawked the view from P.V. Drive West and felt a major "pang of leaving." I got home, took a refreshing shower, and headed out the door for an adventurous and classy afternoon with my best lady friends. Yes, we shmoozed around San Pedro in dresses and skirts and other overtly girly things. Yes, we went to an old, cute "Corner Store." And Yes, we had a classy picnic lunch overlooking the sparkling ocean. I then went home, basked again in the glow of my acceptances, but had an anxious pain in my gut (the first of many): What am I going to do? Bruin or Cardinal? Cardinal or Bruin? I called up Mark and we made plans to see my lovely Tamer in his play in West Hollywood -- HARAM IRAN. We stopped by Urban Outfitters on our way to "WeHo," and talked on the way about college and life. We found parking and ate a delicious meal at a random Cafe that I must go back to. Kobe Sliders and Lobster-Shikate Mushroom Mac and Cheese. It was delicious. We saw Tamer's show, which was brilliant and extremely uplifting (hah. sarcasm) and then drove home. That talk on the drive home was probably one of the best friendship moments I've had with Mark. He's helped me a lot, but in this long talk, I realized how valuable my friendship is with him. Sucks we'll be thousands of miles apart in a few short months.

Sunday, I woke up late and had lunch with Benno. It was so great to catch-up with him, and so surprisingly easy. Talking to him about Stanford made that feeling in my gut come back - the "what am I going to do..."- the fear of the wrong decision, but the knowledge that no matter what I do, I'll have the time of my life. The worst best feeling I've ever had... I then went home and napped and had dinner with Andrew, who I hadn't seen since my birthday party in August. We talked about life, Interlochen, everything that's happened with my auditions and schools. Craziness. I then went home and scoured the Stanford website for hours on end while video chatting with Molly while she was in New York touring colleges. I can't believe it was only a year ago that I was in her position... it feels like decades have past, but at the same time, my life has flown by... I can't believe it.

Today, I again woke up late and went to the beach with my sister. There we saw Brian, Austen, and Maddie Lawrence, which was fun. We relaxed under the sun for a while (I have the slight tan and slight sunburn to prove it) and then went to Chipotle and Yogurtland for some good healthy eating... lies. I got home, ate quickly, and suddenly felt so tired and over-stressed that I sat in a daze for a couple of hours. I filled out a housing form for UCLA, and tried to navigate myself around the website. I sent Hunter dozens of questions. I sat there thinking that I will never be able to decide... never. I got on video chat with Molly and then Mark (who got into three AMAZING schools today... YAYYY) while cleaning my room up.

Tomorrow, I have plans to get some awesome paintings at decorations at Urban Outfitters and then go to dinner with my classiest love, Erik in Riviera Village. I also have plans to get that much closer to making my decision. I'm going up to Stanford on Thursday to tour the school for the first time.

This feeling is something I've never felt before - it's pure thrill and pure anxiety. UCLA is basically where I've wanted to go all of my life. I've been born and raised a Bruin. I grew up at Bruin Woods. I went to three camps and worked in the theater spaces. I gloated when we finally beat S.C. that one time in football. My parents met there. I've been wishing to go to UCLA for years now and I finally got into the school with a major and degree program in my passion-- then *pop* I MIRACULOUSLY get into the fourth best school in the nation (I'm still in shock) and everyone around me at school assumes it's the place I'll go. I know UCLA like no one's business, but I never took the time to get to know a school I had no chance of getting into, so I'm now rushing to understand and get to know this mystery Dream School that had never been put into the formula because of it's completely impossible status in my mind.

I'd have THE ideal college experience at both schools. I'd have impeccable opportunities. I'd get an amazing B.A. education from incredible universities. There is nothing I don't love about either. What am I going to do? Make pro/con lists? Yeah... I guess that could work. But there is still that pull between the best school on the west coast and the Bruin-bred spirit... and for every person, there's a different opinion.

OH, COLLEGE GODS!

WHY MUST THIS

HUGE DECISION

BE GIVEN TO

THE MOST INDECISIVE PERSON IN THE WORLD?

STANFORD?!

I JUST GOT INTO STANFORD?

I think I'm going to throw up.

Cleaning Room Update

I will post pictures of the beauty later, but so far I've basically finished going through my shit...

Now it's to clean it up and make it pretty again.

1. Re-organize and sort through my shelves of keepsakes in a pretty, classy fashion
2. Stow away my old scripts
3. Get a new jewelry box
4. Figure out what to do with this now empty space
5. Take down the bulletin board by the door
6. Think of fresh ways to arrange the furniture

Hmm... lots to do, but I'm very close! :D

Classy Classy Class

I am on a high and felt like posting right now. I just got home from a classy lunch with my favorite XTina. We gossiped, laughed, and just relaxed. It was amazing. I'm wearing new wedges I'm in love with, my room is close to clean, and I'm on a college acceptance streak... It's incredible... I feel like I don't deserve this much awesome.

I also have the coolest mom in the world, but I won't elaborate here. She's just amazing.

Okay, I'm off to clean my room on this HIGH.OF.LIFE. and then going to the THEEEE-AAA-TAAHHH to see my Norris peeps in a modern version of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

PEACE&BLESSINGS

Another Great Day

Wow. I'm shocked to say that this has been an incredible Spring Break so far... and I've barely begun!

Today, I got into the USC School of Theatre and Boston College (win!). That gives me five schools so far! FIVE! How exciting! I woke up and went shopping with my mom and sister at Target after a lunch at Yellow Vase. Then, I came home and quickly changed into my beach gear to hang out with Mark in Hermosa Beach. We just relaxed on our towels on the sand and talked... but then it got FREEZING cold and we booked it to a Starbucks to warm up. We called Justin, Molly, and Jason to meet us up for dinner. I then zoomed to an awesome tap class with Jon Engstrom, returned home, and speed-cleaned up my room before going to Mark's house to play a little Trivial Pursuit with the dinner peeps. After the game, we contemplated sleeping over, but because Molly wasn't, I decided not to. We then sat in the jacuzzi for literally two hours prune-ing and talking about everything and anything. It was great. I love these people so much... it's going to be tough to leave them next year.

One of the things I said about myself that I would change in our little chat was that I'm too emotionally attached to people... which is true. I'm generally extremely relationship-oriented, which can be good and bad. The pros are that it makes me get close to people quickly, allows me to make lasting and meaningful relationships, and gives me a good foundation of friends I can truly rely on. The cons are that I get emotionally attached to people who can't reciprocate it, which is tough, that I have a hard time letting go of relationship-related issues, and that I miss people too much when they're absent. I feel like things that are supposed to happen with people and relationships are extremely monumental to me... like sex, for example (I won't go into my detailed feelings about this here).

Right now, I'm reconnecting (and newly (?) connecting) on a closer level to a lot of people extremely quickly, and I really like it, but I know it's going to make it that much harder when suddenly I can't see them for months at a time...

With that I should probably sleep. My goal for getting my room completely done by five hours ago obviously failed miserably. Tomorrow, I plan to hang out with people, clean my room completely, and ride my horses.

Goodnight!

"This is my street, I smile at the faces I've known all my life [and] they regard me with pride."

- In The Heights

(ugh... two references in three entries... sorry for the "musical theatre kid" moment)

Recleaning the Room

Here's What I've Done:

1. First Sifting-through of my Clothing, Hair Accessories
2. Ripping out of my favorite parts of 25+ magazines I've kept
3. Sorting through my CMU Pre-College and College materials

Here's What's Left to Do:

1. CDs
2. Books
3. Jewelry
4. Bathroom (oh, Jesus)
5. Desk/ Office Supplies
6. Keepsakes
7. Second Sifting-through of Clothes
8. Rearranging the furniture for kicks

Goal: Wednesday, March 24th at 9:00 PM

Born to Entertain

I'm sitting here on Skype with Pookie. I'm forcing her to clean her room over video chat because she won't clean it herself and although I am ITCHING to go over to her house and help her clean (really though), I can't because it's 1:20 in the morning and I do have parents, after all.

Today was a great day. I woke up from a text from Justin asking me to go to lunch with him, so I got ready, threw a bathing suit in the car, and drove down to Manhattan Beach, my original hometown for some good Cuban cooking. We then went down to the beach where someone SCREAMED at me and I freaked out and still feel bad about whatever bad thing I did while driving. After, we went to the Manhattan Beach Mall and enjoyed gelato. After, we met up with Kimi and Brian who happened to see me driving, and went swimming in Kimi's behind-the-gates pool. It was sooo relaxing and refreshing (and yes, Justin, I thought it was as refreshing as you did), and it was nice to hang out with people. OH! I GOT MY FIRST BEESTING in the Jacuzzi. It was exciting. I then drove to Zoef's house and chilled with Pookie, Ally, and Zoef for an hour or so, and then went home to relax and clean out all of my Pre-College notebooks, random books, and college application materials. THAT was refreshing.

Here I am, with Molly cleaning over video chat and complaining to me about how annoying it is. Too bad, Pooks.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my leaving. i was cleaning today and realized how empty this room is going to be without all my shit in it. Or how quiet the house will be without my constant loud music and singing. I guess I've been prepping myself so much for my new experiences, that I haven't taken the time to think about how it will affect the people I leave behind. Hm... Food for thought I guess.

Oh and my title is based on a song I sang when I was 10 years old. I found an old program from a Beach Kids on Broadway show I did and it was in the back of my head.

I'm off to organize my disastrously large pile of magazines in my cabinet and sort through my bookshelf... Goodnight! :)

Margarita Monday Reflection

Let's see... what has happened in the past weekend?

Friday, we had our fourth HAIR sleepover! It was really relaxing, but I was DAMN tired after a day of Disneyland, so I was half-asleep for most of the truth or daring. Finally, Pookie and I cuddled on the guest bed and had the best night of sleep of our lives.

Saturday, we woke up in the usual hot mess matter and then went to Ruby's with some other people. After, Molly (Pooks) and I went on a little walk in my neighborhood and sat looking over the ocean and talked for a good two hours. It was so nice to have a fresh, new sounding board. I'm getting close to her soooo fast, and I'm stupid.

WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF RIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE?

I then got coffee with Cameron and went to her, Mark, and Justin's improv show. 'Twas great.

Sunday, I went to a going-away-party for Zoef, who is leaving for an exchange in South Africa. We watched 500 Days of Summer, ate delicious cake, and played Catchphrase. It was great. Molly and I bought Zoef a bunch of bras and a "sex kit" for her new exploits. It was hilarious and she loved it. :) After, I came home, and Justin and Mark drove up to the front of my house. I went out and sprawled myself on the backseat to talk with them for two hours in the dead of the night. It was so refreshing to TALK to people in person, especially those two. I feel like our little trifecta I used to talk about has dissipated into the mass of college stress and rehearsal insanity. But this made me feel like it was coming back together again.

Monday, I cleaned out all of my clothing (making room for new clothes). I also was accepted into the NYU Tisch School of the Arts. I don't know for what major yet, but I do know that I have an extremely difficult choice to make. Not to mention the fact that I haven't even heard back from a dozen schools. Ugh. I then went to Rubios with the Bird Brothers (Hunter & Cameron). We relaxed and were talking about college, when I brought up Mark, who proceeded to sprint by the window and make speedy eye contact with me. It was the biggest creep of my life. I called him in laughter freaking out over it. Then, I brought up Molly and right when I said her name, she texted me. It was ridiculous. After our creepy dinner, we went to a fierce hour-and-a-half jazz class with the fabulous Jon Engstrom. We did a CRAZY HARD combination from White Christmas, but in the end, he congratulated me, Hunter, and Cameron on our picking up the "style" and "feel" well. It made me feel great... and gratified I guess. Finally, I drove home with the top down to dry the sweat and jumped in the shower before heading to Gale's for a night of talking, jacuzzi-ing, and other shenanigans. It was fun, relaxing, and refreshing. Like I said before, hanging out with these people and new people in general makes me suddenly aware of the very little amount of time I have.

Speaking of which, I have things I need to say to certain people. Or things I need to act on? I have no idea... but I'm in a weird position...

Tomorrow's plans include lunch and beaching with Justin and maybe Mark... I need a tan!

"I wish I were mad... I'm just too late."

- In The Heights

There's Gonna Be a Heartache Tonight

Channeling Michael Buble in English class...

Spring Break stars in exactly two hours. All I have to say is how did time fly by so quickly?

Here is what I'm looking forward to in the next couple of weeks:

• College Decisions
• Parties
• Getting Tan
• Working on my RENT material
• Sleepovers
• The beach
• Swimming
• Sleeping in every day
• Completely re-organizing my room
• Cleaning out my wardrobe
• Updating my wardrobe
• Starting a major health-buff period
• Reflecting
• Riding our horses
• Reading plays
• Listening to music
• Learning some guitar
• Blogging more
• Maybe going to New York City
• Spending as much time as possible with Friends and Family

Sound like a lot? Maybe it is. We'll see how much of this actually happens.

I'm really in a weird place with guys in my life right now, and don't really have anyone to talk to about it completely. Hm... Well I'm off to French, Art History, and then ROCKFEST!

Then the looming party tonight... oh jesus

Disneyland

I just got back from a long, exhausting 12 hours at Disneyland with my school's Dance Company. We performed a few numbers in one of the Hollywood stages in California Adventure, then spent the rest of the day in the parks. I mostly chilled with my close friends, Mark & Austen.

Although I'm here now, with SORE and TIRED feet and feel that icky apres-theme park feeling all over my body, I realized that I'm happy... lies. I'm anxious AND happy. But I don't even know what I'm anxious for... I feel like this spring break has so many expectations. I'm excited, but nervous I won't live up to what I want... if that makes sense. There's a lot that's going to be happening in the next few weeks and I'm pumped.

What? In THREE WEEKS I'll know where I'm going to college?

Weird feeling. As I was soaring over California, Mark was getting nostalgic already - he's going to miss the rippling waves of the ocean and the beauty of our little oasis. I've basically been set on UCLA since I got in, so I think I'll be staying here... It's weird to see people go. It's weird to think that I'll barely see these people in the coming years.

And finally, it freaked me out when I heard Ms. Stern said she met her husband as a freshman in college.

Wait. Woah. Stop... That's me in six months. In three months I become a real member of an "alumni" group. In three months I'll have a new most important network on Facebook. In six months I'll meet thousands (but actually) of new faces... one of which might be my husband.

I guess college is to me a little mini Disneyland right now -- sparkling lights and way too many people waiting to cut me in line for clam chowder (I'm not bitter about a real experience or anything...).

To quote the appropriate song:

"Maybe it's all fake

That's a chance I'll take

It's perfectly okay...

Someone give me Disneyland,

Take me there to Disneyland,

'Cause when I get to Disneyland, I'll stay."

À Ma Mère

I read this poem in my French class this morning. It's beautiful. It makes me think of leaving home, which is heartbreaking, terrifying, but thrilling.

À ma mère

Femme noire, femme africaine, Ô toi ma mère, je pense à toi

Ô Dôman, ô ma mère, toi qui me portas sur le dos,

Toi qui m'allaitas, toi qui gouvernas mes premiers pas,

Toi qui, la première, m'ouvris les yeux aux prodiges de la terre,

Je pense à toi...

Femme des champs, des rivières, femme du grand fleuve,

Ô toi, ma mère, je pense à toi...

Ô toi Dâman, ô ma mère, toi qui essuyais mes larmes,

Toi qui me réjouissais le cÏur, toi qui, patiemment, supportais mes caprices,

Comme j'aimerais encore être près de toi, être enfant près de toi !

Femme simple, femme de la négation, ma pensée toujours se tourne vers toi...

Ô Dâman, Dâman de la grande famille des forgerons, ma pensée toujours se tourne vers toi,

La tienne à chaque pas m'accompagne, ô Dâman, ma mère,

Comme j'aimerais encore être dans ta chaleur, être enfant près de toi. ...

Femme noire, femme africaine, ô toi ma mère, merci pour tout ce que tu fis pour moi, ton fils,

Si loin, si loin, si près de toi !

Laye Camara, "L'enfant noir"

Sweeeeet Disposition

Today was the longest day of my life. But actually...

I stayed up until much too late studying for Art History, which I think I did okay on.

Then, I had other classes up until 2:45 where I had an hour break which consisted of quickly THROWING together a song in French to sing for a ceremony.

3:45-6:00 I had an INTENSE and EXCRUCIATING Dance Company rehearsal.

6:00-7:00 I had a rehearsal for RENT.

7:00-9:00 I had to sing at and watch a loooong ceremony for the induction of members into the French and Hispanic Honor Societies. My voice was phlem-y and the CD skipped, but apparently people liked it. Good...

Now I sit here, with yet another test to study for and a new lattee in my system. It is 10:00.

OFF I GO!

The Second

of many amazing weekends to come.

Last weekend, I closed HAIR. It was actually the most difficult closing of my entire life as a theatre-involved woman. In the closing number "Let the Sunshine In," I had a senior moment during my solo and broke down. I actually broke. I fell to the floor and messed up my knee pretty badly. The entire finale was a mess of excruciating tears and heaving sobs as my emotional friends and I took our last bow together to close one of the best experiences of our lives. We then had a beautiful cast party and a trashy/shameful sleepover at one of the tribe's house. It was the epitome of hot mess, but we had fun (and all paid the price by getting incredibly sick... that was bound to happen with or without the sleepover though).

The minute HAIR came to an end, my life took a downturn. I went into a mini-depression. I got sick, sulked in my bed for hours, and didn't do anything. I missed the show incredibly, lamented to myself over a falling out with a friend, and sulked in my non-college-bound lump of a body.

Looking into the video chat screened eyes of one of my best friends who was just offered one of the best scholarships in the nation, I said "Please, Mark. I just need to get into college."

Suddenly, the wind changed. The clouds actually moved away from California. The SUN SHINED liked we'd begged for four consecutive shows.

Friday: After my sickness causing a late wake-up call, I arrived at school. I sat through my classes. I hung out with friends. I went to a CHEER End-of-the-year party, where the girls wrote me a card and made a "Pin the Pom Pom on the Captain" game. After watching the picture-perfect, flawless sunset with some of the sweetest girls and the best coach in the world in a jacuzzi by the beach, I zoomed to my Pookie's birthday dinner. We laughed and ate delicious pasta. I then zoomed home. These are the events as I remember them:

1. Mama Calfas: You are sick. No computer time, you need sleep.
2. I illegally sneak onto my computer and see an e-mail with the words "Dear Applicant,"
3. I start to shake when I see the signature from one of my top choice schools.
4. I frantically type in my information.
5. Congratulations, Caitlyn. Welcome to UCLA.
6. I run- no, FLY- across the house in hysterics.
7. I scream the news to my mom.
8. I break down crying, as does she.
9. My entire family is in a group hug around me and I've finally gotten into college for Musical Theatre at the school my parents met at.
10. I'm probably getting a degree in my passion from one of the best universities in the country?

Needless to say, there was not much sleeping that night. More telling all of my friends and smiling to myself for hours.

Saturday: I woke up late, refreshed and thrilled from the previous evening's happenings. I take a looooooong shower and a joy ride with the top down after receiving my plastic driver's license in the mail (the picture was overexposed and gross - whatever.). I get my Starbucks and my Noah's and enjoy a beautiful day and my ideal breakfast. I have a great singing lesson, even though I'm sick and can't really sing at all. I wallow in my joy for a few hours and watch T.V. My mom basically says I'm a free woman now that I'm in college. We are excited to get our relationship stress-free. I go to coffee with TAMER and we catch up. I realize how much I miss him and every other outside-of-Chadwick friend. I go and see RENT with my director and some cast-mates. It's great. I come home and go to sleep with a smile on my face... again.

Sunday: I wake up early, JUMP in the shower, and throw on some clothes and makeup. I fly to Starbucks and Noah's to get my fix of espresso and speed to Chadwick for an all-day rehearsal for RENT. My singing voice is finally coming back, and I spend the day with some of my favorite people for eight hours. EIGHT HOURS. One of which, Molly, plays JoAnne, my lesbian lover in RENT. My pet name for her is Pookie in the show. People congratulate me on UCLA and I can't help but feel like I'm glowing. I get some Yogurtland with Mark and Pookie and drive home with the top down and enjoy the beautiful California weather and my beautiful life. I go home and laugh with friends on AIM and Facebook for literally five hours. I plan hilarious get-togethers for Spring Break. I sleep again, smiling, after watching Jude Law, my celebrity SUPERcrush on SNL.

Monday: Senior Ditch Day. I ditch school and wake up at 10 am. I jump in the shower and rush over to the Original House of Pancakes. After delicious chocolate chip pancakes, I go to Hannah's house, where I dip my feet in the pool and immediately go to my house to get my swimsuit. I lay out with some senior friends that I have yet to get to know extremely well, but this made me realize how rushed everything needs to be. I get the first pang of summer and the first pang of leaving all in one tanning session by the pool. I get a call from Mark, and we go shopping, to Jamba, to a little impromptu dance rehearsal, to his house, and then home. I shower and fail to study for my Art History test until 12:00 am.

I love my life.

UCLA.

I JUST GOT INTO COLLEGE...

UCLA!

Guess What?

I got my license two days ago... FINALLY.

It was absolute bliss parking illegally in the main lot of my school in my red mini cooper. I would see it out the window of my English class and smile.

Also, HAIR opened to an INCREDIBLE crowd. I don't think I've seen a crowd so large and boisterous on a Thursday night IN MY LIFE. Love you guys who came out. It meant a lot.

Tonight is the closing of HAIR. I don't really know what to say -- I can't even think about closing this show or I start crying.

Well, for now, I'll try to shake the feeling and go get my hair did for our matinee. (Oh! I GET TO FIND OUT THE SECRET MOLLY HAS BEEN KEEPING FROM ME TODAY!)

ADIEU!

Today has been...

THOROUGHLY EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING.

Friends, my Grandpa, Molly's cat... but I'm getting past it.

HAIR opens tomorrow! COME SEE IT! :)