I told Molly this last night, and she didn't believe me. I don't want to make this too obvious, but they're gone. At least I think they are. And I feel like a better, more worthy friend for it.
Anyway, today was a good day. I had good food and spent time with people that I'm not used to not seeing for weeks at a time. I can't believe I'm officially not going to school with these people any more. It's weird to think of Chadwick continuing to exist without me and my class. For some reason, it feels like we were the end of a generation.
I'm sitting here late at night, staring at the clock. I tried to make my lights dimmer to make me feel sleepier, but nothing can really stop this insomnia. My Sweet Charity script is sitting next to me, along with my keys. The juxtaposition is remarkable to me. Charity and the Norris makes me feel so frozen in my current life, while the keys with their glimmering UCLA TFT keychain make me think of all of the possibilities in my future. I'm sitting here with my heart beating with anticipation for everything coming up, but I'm still just sitting. No, I'm not working on my lines right now, and I'm not getting together stuff for UCLA. I'm just sitting here.
My friends have really been there for me in the last few years. A lot has happened in my life, and I didn't realize until last night how dependent I've been on them. I always used to say that my birthday held a curse. In the fall, I always received some bad news or had something happen to me or a loved one that I couldn't control.
In eighth grade, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor which basically threw my family and I to a grinding halt in our everyday lives. In ninth grade, my Grandpa passed away. In fact, I had a dream about him the other night and woke up with those chest pains I get from holding back my tears. I then spent the next half-hour in a daze of half-consciousness and heaving sobs bundled in my sheets. I've been thinking about him so much lately. I can't believe he wasn't here for my graduation... for some reason that really baffles me, and every time I think about him I feel the same pains I thought had left me a few years ago in my grieving process. In tenth grade, both of my childhood dogs passed away. Gus was gone two days after my birthday and Blue left us a few months later. It was devastating, and like with my grammmpa, I'm feeling the effects of it lately. In eleventh grade, I had surgery on my facial tumor I told you about. That was tough but I don't really feel like elaborating. In twelfth grade... I don't really remember anything bad happening. I got mono... that sucked. I was DROWNING in school work and college apps. Maybe God was giving me a break...
Anyway, the point was to reflect. My friends really have been there. Beautiful families put the effort in and cooked us dinner for WEEKS while Dad was in the hospital. They took us in. When I need to cry about something, they're there. When I need a yogurt run after a tough day, they're there. When I'm venting, they let me vent. They provide positive reinforcements and rational sounding boards for my most immature and unimportant problems. Thank God for you guys, because I don't think I could've gone through that without you. The amount of people I've hugged while sobbing is absurd. I can think of Cameron, Julianne, Justin, Molly, Jennifer, Dad, etc. The amount of people that have talked to me through my tears provide me with a small army.
Woah, I don't really know how or why that all just came up, but now I just realized I'm crying without even knowing it. I need to study my script a little before sleep.
I love you, whoever you are.
