Today was a day of frustration.
But tomorrow will be a day of growth, challenge, and success.

Dreams

I want to start posting dreams I've been having. You can decipher them for yourselves. 


The other night, I had a dream I was with a guy, "John" (it is a real person that I do know, but I want to keep this anonymous), and we were arguing about something and then I said something bitchy. I realized it was sassy and just stopped his angry walk away and hugged him for a really long time. He pulled away but I stopped him. We continued to hug. He looked at me and I said, "This is how I say I'm sorry." He kissed me said, "I'm sorry." Then walked away. It wasn't a bad thing. I was happy and woke up smiling, but I still don't get it.

Happy 234th, America.

Today is (well, was) Independence Day. I spent my 4th with friends. I woke up in the afternoon, made more cupcakes, memorized Sweet Charity lines, and went to Trapani's house for some good laughs and relaxation. 


I told Molly this last night, and she didn't believe me. I don't want to make this too obvious, but they're gone. At least I think they are. And I feel like a better, more worthy friend for it.
Anyway, today was a good day. I had good food and spent time with people that I'm not used to not seeing for weeks at a time. I can't believe I'm officially not going to school with these people any more. It's weird to think of Chadwick continuing to exist without me and my class. For some reason, it feels like we were the end of a generation.

I'm sitting here late at night, staring at the clock. I tried to make my lights dimmer to make me feel sleepier, but nothing can really stop this insomnia. My Sweet Charity script is sitting next to me, along with my keys. The juxtaposition is remarkable to me. Charity and the Norris makes me feel so frozen in my current life, while the keys with their glimmering UCLA TFT keychain make me think of all of the possibilities in my future. I'm sitting here with my heart beating with anticipation for everything coming up, but I'm still just sitting. No, I'm not working on my lines right now, and I'm not getting together stuff for UCLA. I'm just sitting here.


My friends have really been there for me in the last few years. A lot has happened in my life, and I didn't realize until last night how dependent I've been on them. I always used to say that my birthday held a curse. In the fall, I always received some bad news or had something happen to me or a loved one that I couldn't control.


In eighth grade, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor which basically threw my family and I to a grinding halt in our everyday lives. In ninth grade, my Grandpa passed away. In fact, I had a dream about him the other night and woke up with those chest pains I get from holding back my tears. I then spent the next half-hour in a daze of half-consciousness and heaving sobs bundled in my sheets. I've been thinking about him so much lately. I can't believe he wasn't here for my graduation... for some reason that really baffles me, and every time I think about him I feel the same pains I thought had left me a few years ago in my grieving process. In tenth grade, both of my childhood dogs passed away. Gus was gone two days after my birthday and Blue left us a few months later. It was devastating, and like with my grammmpa, I'm feeling the effects of it lately. In eleventh grade, I had surgery on my facial tumor I told you about. That was tough but I don't really feel like elaborating. In twelfth grade... I don't really remember anything bad happening. I got mono... that sucked. I was DROWNING in school work and college apps. Maybe God was giving me a break...


Anyway, the point was to reflect. My friends really have been there. Beautiful families put the effort in and cooked us dinner for WEEKS while Dad was in the hospital. They took us in. When I need to cry about something, they're there. When I need a yogurt run after a tough day, they're there. When I'm venting, they let me vent. They provide positive reinforcements and rational sounding boards for my most immature and unimportant problems. Thank God for you guys, because I don't think I could've gone through that without you. The amount of people I've hugged while sobbing is absurd. I can think of Cameron, Julianne, Justin, Molly, Jennifer, Dad, etc. The amount of people that have talked to me through my tears provide me with a small army.


Woah, I don't really know how or why that all just came up, but now I just realized I'm crying without even knowing it. I need to study my script a little before sleep.

I love you, whoever you are.

Hey guys. Sorry for the lag between posts. Sweet Charity is completely consuming my life. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than rehearsal, but it actually is completely taking over everything. Like I'm going to one of my BFF's 4th of July party late because I have to sit at home and memorize lines. And I've already missed 4 parties and many, many hours of sleep.


But I'm excited. Although today was one of the most difficult days of my life in the theater, I'm still thrilled to be there. There were moments when I thought I would lose my composure. When I thought I was done for, and when I almost gave up on myself. I almost stopped trying. I almost broke down... multiple times. But I didn't, and I'm stronger because of it. Charity is a tough role for me, because I feel that she's so unlike me. But lately, I've been feeling so vulnerable and unsure of my future that I'm reading her story and characterizing a person and part of myself that I'm becoming more and more aware of. I won't get into the dirty details, but this girl is... amazing. How she continues to remain optimistic despite her (for lack of a better word) shitty life circumstances is beyond me, but I find it admirable.

Well heya! Who knew I'd be learning something from this "stupid broad."

Anyway, as the past week of my life has been sucked up with charityCHARITYCHARITY, other things have happened to me too! For starters, my exercise regimen is actually staying on track. I go to the gym or for a run every day I don't have a 2-hour or longer dance rehearsal. I also started taking daily vitamins. I found out that Osteoporosis runs in my family, so I'm trying to really stay on top of my calcium consumption. I'm starting major planning for my wonderful single dorm room! I already posted a little sumthin-sumthin for you, but it's changed since then... same idea though... kind of. I'm also drinking a ton of water (Carsan! I learned! - [we were dehydration problem buddies on outdoor ed]). Like I feel like Rachelle because I'm peeing every hour on the hour. It's absurd... and maybe that was a little too much to say. But so I sound like I care? No.

Well... let's see. I'm currently thinking of dying a colored streak in my hair like both of my sisters. I also want to apply to be a Bruin Woods counselor in two summers. I also got my first bank account (zing) and credit card. I'm actually so anxious for college to start, it's absurd. Jake (friend who's going to be a sophomore in the UCLA MT program and is also in Sweet Charity) was teaching me some of the Tai Chi moves today during one of the moments we had where neither of us were doing anything. It was amusing and reminded me of Godspell (oh dear god). Molly and I are potentially going to NYC for five or six days. We're planning on seeing Broadway shows galore, doing the touristy stuff I still have yet to do, frolic through Central Park, Yoga in Bryant Park, maybe some master classes, and general extravagant explorations that only the MollyCaitlynConnection could concoct. I don't think that's a word, but my Mac doesn't put a little red line under it, so I suppose we're on track here. 

Anyway, I miss blogging. I miss it and hope I'll do it more often this week. 

My show opens in less than two weeks and I am FREAAAKINNN OUUUUUTTTT!!!!

OH, one last thing. I made. the.

most.

incredible.

cupcakes. 

yesterday/two days ago.

CHOCOLATE//PEANUTBUTTER.

the frosting was to die for *flips hair* just sayin...

how i feel today:

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while... I'm in the full swing of Charity rehearsals and have little time to just relax, which is good and bad. You know me... I love being busy.
Anyway, I began to design my dorm room yesterday (!). I'm liking it a lot. It's nice to have a single, because everything will match and be perfect.


To give you a taste of ideas I'm having...

Isn't it exciting? I want it to be clean and crisp and refreshing. I'm probably going to replace whatever grody window shades they have in there too and maybe even put in my own little vanity table so I can get ready in the morning with very little time in the bathroom. I have a pretty large room to myself, so I'm excited to move in and see what creative things I do with it. I'll also have a huge collage of my friends and I was thinking of getting a huge window decal of a giraffe. I'm just having lots of fun right now. :)


I hope you all are having a marvelous summer. I know I am. I've been to the gym every single day in the past week, excluding Saturday because of our 12-hour long rehearsal. In that vain, I'm off to the gym very soon, but I'm not going to do as much cardio because I have a 2.5-hour long dance rehearsal for "There's Gotta Be Something Better Than This" which LET ME TELL YOU is a beast. It's the original Fosse choreography and it's cray-cray.


Anyway, 'fuh and I are off to the gym. I'll talk more when I get back/ expand my collage.
My college collage. ahahaha...
I'm not funny.